Do you remember that movie? (I know, all of you purists will start ranting..."it's a book! It's a book") It was an old cartoon rendition of the Phantom Tollbooth. There was a song about the doldrums and how they just kind of slid around. That's what I feel like today: Kind of sulky that it's time to gear down for school, and really just wanting to *be*.
It's been to long since I lost wrote and I need to make a new goal not to write so much in each post. If I wrote more often I wouldn't have this problem. :-) Although, I have also given up with photos for now. Our computer is too full and won't load my photos right. In fact, I can't have more than two programs open at once, or it will give me a full disk error. It's such a pian, but one that hopefully will "shortly be remedied."
My baby is two today. We had a party for Buggy on Saturday where she choked on some watermelon. I mean really choked. It wasn't totally covering her airway all of the time, but she wasn't getting adequate air for several minutes. She turned blue once at the beginning, but she just couldn't cough hard enough to get it out. I started to get really nervous and HeaterBoy held her upside down and did everything you *can* do for someone who is choking and still getting some air through until I finally convinced him to let me call 911. Of coure, as soon as I had someone on the phone, she finally coughed it out-after a few well-placed fingersweeps by dad. After the excitment, she stayed really still in my arms for a while until she tried to get more watermelon.
I can't believe Buggy is doing so well. The day she was born was such a miraculous and spiritual day for me. It was such a peaceful Sunday morning. It went exactly as I had envisioned, with my small but very effective supporting team, and my amazing husband there to hold my hand as I experienced something so new and scary and wonderful and exciting and empowering and did I say scary? I had worked so hard that pregnancy to find trust in my body and my baby. I worked to reconnect with my spirit and make a safe place for my baby to be. I don't know if I'll ever forget how empowering and wonderful that day was. It has helped me to better mother. There is a quote that someone on one of my lists has in her siggy and it says "There is a secret in our society and it's not that childbirth is dangerous, it's that women are strong." I don't remember who said the quote, but I think about it every time I see it.
Buggy helped me to be a strong woman. She helped me to see that strength isn't originated in ourselves but in our God. We are strong. Mothers are given so many gifts just by virtue of motherhood and womanhood that it constantly amazes me. I am so grateful for Buggy and all that she has taught me. Also, the things that I have learned from God because I am blessed enough to take care of her.
I didn't want to write a ton about her "accident" as that anniversary isn't for five more weeks, but I do want to mention that after that happened, and she survived it, that we were left wondering how much longer she would be with us. Whether it would be months or years, nobody could tell us. The last two years have been such a lesson for all of us in patience, compassion, trust, faith and love that we could never have foreseen. Every day is a special gift and I don't know if I'll ever be non-neurotic enough to stop watching for her breathing, but I'm grateful for the time we have.
The five weeks I had with Buggy before her accident are so precious to me. She was so neurologically mature that she was truly smiling within one or two weeks. She spent so much time in awake, alert stage that I was amazed. She just wanted to take in the whole world. She loved getting to know her siblings. She allowed me to dress her up and tolerated it all. she had some colic at night, but we figure that they were headaches and not tummyaches. Even with the headaches, she was so easily consoled. I would just throw her in the sling and walk up and down 800 East. She nursed like a champ (my first easy nursing experience) and she even made tandem nursing not so ferocious.
I miss that girl. Although, she was so precocious, would she have been telling me about the spirit world before she forgot? :-) I grieve the future that every parent wants for their child. I also celebrate what she is able to do in *this* body at this time. I am realizing that dichotomy in emotions is possible. It's what makes us human. Buggy was supposed to come to us. She was supposed to be like she is. Who knows what that means for the future? I know my family can be eternal and I'm going to try as hard as I can to keep it that way. Earth life can be so temporary.
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2 comments:
Of all the strong women out there, you are one of the strongest I know. And yes, I do remember the Doldrums song. In fact, if I remember, it scared me a little. Al those slimy arms trying to drag you down. But sometimes, life feels like that. Buggie is an amazing spirit, and so full of life an knowledge and love that sometimes, i wonder if she jsut going to burst. In fact, when we play "Ring around the Rosie" she comes rather close! I love you!
Sure, make us all cry. ;o) Buggy is an amazing little girl. Sure, she may not be running around (and, no doubt, she'd probably be speaking full sentences by now), but she's come such a long way. I will never forget the first time I saw her after she came home from the hospital, and all you were hoping for is that she would one day be able to hold her head on her own and smile. She's truly a miracle. But I understand what you're saying. You know that Italy/Holland story. No matter how wonderful Holland turned out to be, you'll always wonder what Italy would have been like. It's only natural. You and your little family have been through so much, you have to be strong to just keep going. You'll always be an example for me. (off to get some tissues now)
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