Baby is here...

Hi all,

I know some of you are waiting for news and the news is...

Baby was born on July 17th at 1:44 am. That is really the most accurate time of any of our babies born at home. Jared looked at the clock and called it just as she was born-although I think he had a reminder from the midwife to do so. :-)

I was absolutely certain that this baby was a boy. We only had a boy name picked out (it was a name that was told to me rather than me picking so much) and I had only gotten our boy/gender neutral clothes ready. I have been right with every child except Frodo.

Until now...

My amazing friend even managed to catch a pic at the exact moment I checked in between the legs. It is priceless and I just might post it when I get up and start doing things instead of staring at and loving on my new baby. ;-)

Jared went out of town all this week, so I probably won't get to the birth story quite yet. I need to hurry though, before it starts to fade.

Welcome to the world, new baby girl!

:-)

ps, oh yeah...giant child...weighed in at 8 lb 10 oz and 22 inches. I know it won't end up on her resume when she grows up, but I'm sure putting it on mine:

Achievements:

Grew and birthed a giant baby; 8 lb 10 oz and 22 inches long when my current height is only 4'11" and I am generally considered shortwaisted.

40 weeks

Yes...it's true. Yesterday was my "official" due date. Unfortunately, the baby didn't get that memo.

Babies come when they are ready and we will post when he/she does finally make an appearance. :-)

June at my house...

Oh goodness. I've been trying to cut down my time at the computer and I've been doing such a good job, that I haven't posted anything in a very. long. time.

I should first wish the Little Happy Birthday!

She turned 2 in May. We decided that there is a surplus of toys and other "stuff" in the household, so we got her what she needed (shoes, and an outfit or two) and she had a grand time unwrapping what Buggy had delightfully wrapped for her. We sang Happy Birthday several times and she just loved it. So did Buggy. Birthdays are her favorite, so she had been gearing up for this one. :-) She talks all the time now and says some pretty funny things. She'll tell me when she wants to watch the "bahbie fincess" movie and she can say everyone's name very well.

When she spent such a long time watching Buggy and her attempts at potty learning, she one day just decided that she wanted in on the action. I'm not sure why, we have no "rewards" for pottying other than cheering. But she is now happily in underpants (or out of them) and using the potty much more regularly than Buggy. She will even go out and spent all of Sunday (including church) dry.

It means we have an abundance of nakedness at our house. Be Warned. :-)

She also wants to dress herself. a lot. She has several changes of clothes each day and if I won't dress her in what she wants, she will go and get her sisters' clothes and use those. They are easier to take on and off anyway. I've thought about fighting that battle and have decided that it's not worth it. At least not right now. When we go out, I at least attempt an outfit that won't be ripped off the second I turn my eyes, but sometimes it backfires on me. I don't think Frodo knew how to dress himself until he was almost 4. I always was in charge of the clothes, what, when and how much. I don't think it occurred to him until after Rapunzel was born that he might have a choice in the matter. He still doesn't like to tie his shoes. Rapunzel got herself dressed when Buggy was in the hospital. She liked clothes, but not overly so. Her big quirk was that all dresses (including nightgowns) must be to her ankles. It was the only way it could be "pretty". Buggy loves to dress herself for school, and as soon as she attempted, I encouraged the self-help skills as I know many kids with her disabilities often learn helplessness. I guess Little saw this as an open invitation. ;-) She has definitely take it to the extreme and I'm not really sure what to do with it. I did know that I had to get her clothes out of my room. It was causing a tornado that would reintroduce itself every few hours, whether I cleaned the mess or not. Now, at least...the mess is where I don't have to see it. :-)

Frodo finished 4th grade with k12 and has requested to do it again. He was pretty disgusted with my lack of routine and his apparent "holes" in education. He only has two subjects with k12, but it operated very much like school at home. He was badgering me about why we never did any other subjects. I finally sat down with him and let him plead his case while I countered with what he was learning in my "unschooling"-ness.

He was shocked.

"You mean, all that stuff had to do with school?"

"Yep"

"why didn't you tell me?"

"Would you rather we sat in a desk for 6 hours a day and did the same stuff?"

"Well, I guess not, I like to pick what I read"

"OK, then."

He's stopped bugging me so much. ;-)

He did, however, request more subjects through k12. I allowed one more. If he can keep up with it with minimal prodding, we'll add another one. It's been pretty funny going through math with him this year. I have *finally* figured out he was an auditory learner and when I started teaching him that way, he got pretty upset and asked why I just didn't do it the way his teacher did it. When I showed him how many problems he would have to complete if we did it that way, he "allowed" it my way. He picks things up so much quicker when I have him say things out loud. He really is very good at math and loved the chapter on logic puzzles. I'm afraid that he might be a math geek like the rest of us. ;-)

Rapunzel has been drawing pictures that astound me. She still doesn't think she is a reader (we're hoping to remedy that soon), but she is drawing in perspective and loves to make her own paper dolls for her sisters. She loves to do crafts and art projects. It certainly isn't her vision that is holding her back from reading. We had a long conversation about how sometimes our brains just aren't ready for things: just like she was a late talker, but now she can talk just as well as anyone else. Or how some babies walk before other babies. Sometimes reading just takes longer for some kids, but they can still be great readers. I'm hoping that all of this reinforcement will help her realize that she is still smart and can do hard things.

She ended up in the emergency room last month with croup. What 7 year old still gets croup bad enough that she can't breathe? I asked about risk factors for asthma and any other breathing stuff and they said it was a totally different bird. I then asked when she would grow out of it and they said, "Most kids have grown out of it by now, but sometimes it can last until they are 10 or even later."

Great.

Buggy has been rambling all over the place and started riding an adaptive tricycle at physical therapy. It is amazing for her. She loves it.

We have decided not to send her to kindergarten this year, which means that we had to sign a waiver at the school district abandoning our right to all services relating to a "free and appropriate public education" for her. I'm still sorting out how I feel about all of that. The classroom was a great supportive environment, but not appropriate for her at this time. I'm taking it just a piece at a time. I realize that my educational goals for my children are significantly different from the public school system. I also am realistic enough to know that in order for me to provide all that I can for Buggy, I need respite. Right now, I have access to Buggy's preschool. They have graciously allowed her to stay for another year. It is the perfect environment for her. When that is over, I'll have to reassess.

For now, that is enough.

I feel myself getting very nesty and very little energy with which to nest. :-) I am glad that the lazy days of summer are finally starting. We can sit outside all day and play. I am excited about my pending birth and hoping that I am as ready this time as I was last time. I spent so much time practicing my hypnobabies last time and I haven't been as diligent this time around. I have done a lot of studying around the cultural attitudes surrounding birth and my Faith. So much of our culture has seeped into my religion about birth, but it has absolutely no foundation in doctrine...in fact, it often runs counter to the doctrine that we believe as LDS people. Understanding the reasons for this and then wanting to shout from the rooftops the disparities has me exhausted. I also know that I need to respect the choices of others if I have any hope of being respected myself.

HeaterBoy and I have discussed this often and he is a great sounding board when I get frustrated or have an epiphany. I feel like I have grown, as a woman, very much during this pregnancy. I understand my purpose a little bit better. I understand my role and its importance along with the attacks being made on me and all of us as adults while we struggle to understand what gender has to do with our lives in this universe.

I am grateful for personal revelation.

I have to post this before the month is over...

Happy Birthday, Rapunzel!

My girl is now 7 years old. It's hard to believe that it's been that long.

So I checked back through my archives and I have never written her birth story on my blog...Here is a version of it:

I had been on complete bedrest for 24 weeks. Yes...24. Starting at about week 28 or so, I was in L&D about every week for labor that wouldn't stop at home. Sometimes they just monitored, sometimes they gave me extra drugs, and sometimes they just threw up their hands and didn't know what to do. At about week 30, my doctor put me on Terbutaline (a tocolytic-labor-stopping drug, absolutely not approved by the FDA for that purpose). I went absolutely crazy. I took it for about two or three days and it felt like I was having one long panic attack that just wouldn't stop. My skin was crawling and I couldn't take it.

After that terrible episode, they tried a different drug called nifedipine. It is also for blood pressure, but it was much more tolerable. I felt "out of it" rather than skin crawly and since I was supposed to be in bed anyway, it was much better than the alternative.

Once I reached 35 weeks, I thought my doc would discontinue the drugs...he didn't. I was starting to get antsy to be a regular person again. At my 37 week appointment, I told him that I really didn't like the way the drugs made me feel and I wanted off. He countered that he had just delivered a 37 weeker that needed to be in the NICU because of RDS (Respiratory Distress Syndrome, another term for "my lungs are not ready because I was born too early"). He was not prepared to allow my body to go into labor. I suggested and amniocentesis as he could check the lungs that way and have a definitive answer. I was okay with the risk of labor with the amnio since I was so close anyway. ;-) I also knew he had done countless amnios in his time and I trusted his expertise. He said he wouldn't do one in his office, it would have to be with the perinatologist. I said fine. When they got on the phone to schedule, they found out that the peri couldn't do it for at least 5 more days. I was crushed. I was also very vocal. (oops) He consented to an amnio in his own office the next day.

I went in and brought my aunt and my mom. I was scared, but wanted it over with. I was fine watching the U/s screen instead of his hands until I saw the needle on the screen. ;-) Then I got a little light-headed and had to look away. Everything went well and he said he would call with the results. I expected at least 48 hours...he called that afternoon. He said her lungs were ready and I could stop taking the pills the next morning, he would take out my cerclage in the office and we could wait and see what happened. The hope was that my body would immediately, but normally go into labor and I would be able to leisurely go over to the hospital and have my baby in a glorious VBAC.

HeaterBoy came with me to the cerclage removal. We were nervous and excited for the impending birth of our baby. I had talked to my doula and we had agreed to call her when we were sure I was in labor.

The removal was not so cut and dry.

The doc said he couldn't take it out and he wanted to meet us over at the hospital for another cesearean. He said some things that made us worried for the safety of our baby and the safety of my uterus and my future ability to have children. We agreed to the surgery and drove over to the hospital. We called my doula, but she was in work and couldn't get away right at that minute. She said she would come as soon as she was able.

I was amazed at the time it took (or lack thereof) to prep me for surgery. They all knew that I had a doula who was supposed to be present at the birth. I had my epi placed (actually it was technically a spinal, but essentially the same thing) and I had my legs tingle. I remembered to warn the nurse anesthetist that my BP always drops with an epi and he was good to remember and keep me talking so I didn't pass out. Boy was careful to stay on *his* side of the drape so as not to pass out either. ;-) The doc commented on how easy it was to make the cut and he worked for a while and out came my screaming daughter. :-) We were so happy that all had turned out well. this hospital was different from our son in that they had my husband with the baby at all times. He stood by her in the warmer while they "cleaned her off" and did their thing and then he carried her to the room at my side when I was finished being stitched up. Of course, I wasn't able to hold her as my arms were strapped down and by the time they took her out, the epi had done something weird and I could barely breathe. But she was healthy and her APGARs were all good.

When we got back to the room, we had a little time before everyone showed up to ogle the baby. She started nursing right away and didn't let go the entire time we were inpatient. :-) Unfortunately, I didn't realize she had a terrible latch until my breasts were so damaged that I would cringe every time she would wimper for nursing. And of course, this didn't happen until we were home and out of the care of the LC in the hospital.

but during the hospital, I was in heaven. She had a bassinet in our room, but the only time she was ever in it was when I had to go to the bathroom. :-) I was afraid that she would be my last baby. Her pregnancy was so difficult and the doc was pushing to have my tubes tied. I didn't think I would ever be pregnant again. I didn't want to miss a single moment with her. I fell in love. It was so different than with my son. I spent lots of time skin to skin with her and I loved every minute of it. It was almost fortunate that none of my friends were able to visit for the first several weeks. I did have one friend, who was the mother of 12, and she came to help out a bunch (as she had when I was on bedrest) and I told her it had been 4 days since I had last showered. She said "You know, it's okay to shower...I can hold her while you shower...It's also okay not to want to put her down. Hold her as long as you want. She will grow up and you don't want to miss it. Babies are okay to be held. They need it" She made me feel okay for wanting to spend every waking and sleeping minute with my daughter. Because of this, I felt so much more competent starting out. I got to know Rapunzel from the very beginning and I knew what she needed. It's a good thing as she was so very high-needs. But I never worried. Other people always said what a "good" baby she was. I laughed. Any baby would be "good" if they were being held 24/7. :-) At least that was what I thought since I knew that as soon as she was put down she would cry...so I never put her down. :-)

We figured out breastfeeding with another visit to the LC and a little time and patience.

There is more to this story, but I tried very hard not to color it with my current beliefs about birth and my personal feelings about my doctor, who had made choices that he felt were right, even though I now disagree. I had done the research I had done and I made the choices I made because I thought, at the time, that they were right. That is all we can ask of ourselves.

Although I ended up with a repeat cesearean birth, I still count it a triumph. I learned much during that pregnancy. I learned much in the postpartum period. Rapunzel helped me to love mothering. If I had it to do over again, I would do it differently, but that is the beauty of life...you *don't* have it to do over again. You only have the future to "do". You learn, and you take what you have learned and it makes a new you. New facets are added that enable you to help others and learn for future choices.

My Rapunzel is my oldest daughter. I love her. She is so very intense in her needs and I am grateful to be blessed to be her mother. She is constantly teaching me how to calm down, listen, and reflect. I look forward to the adult she will eventually become.

Happy Birthday Rapunzel!

Normal Grief

This pregnancy has been pretty typical. I haven't been sicker or less sick. I haven't been in more or less pain. My contractions are "normal" for how many pregnancies I've had and not too many, so all in all, I have nothing to complain about.

So I've been feeling really crappy for the past couple of days. I didn't really verbalize that it was bad until about Saturday. I was sore, cranky, wanted to snap at everyone and just didn't feel well. I was also driven to tears at the smallest provocation.

Last night, I actually said out loud to myself, "I am one day shy of 19 weeks". Then it all made sense. I knew the time was coming up and I thought I would be okay. I am usually pretty aware of my "grieving times" and I thought I was aware enough this time.

Apparently not.

As soon as I made the reason "real" and allowed myself to "feel" this grief that lives in my body, I felt much better. I didn't feel so lost.

When my first child was one day shy of 19 weeks, he died. For months after, I had this physical pain, that I couldn't pinpoint or understand. It wasn't until years after that I was able to recognize it for aching arms. I know it is a normal reaction to losing a baby.

---Aside-I always refused to use the term "lose my baby" for the longest time as well. I didn't lose him. I knew exactly where he was. In a funeral plot. He wasn't where he should have been; in my arms. It was just a euphemism that made people feel better or like they could avoid what had actually happened. My baby died. He was dead. It wasn't my fault that he was "lost", although that also took some time to sink in. I've since adopted the euphemism in deference to other people, but I don't use it consistently. I often just say that I had a stillbirth, or my first baby died. It helps me to keep it from becoming an unimportant part of my life.
---

I have lived with this hole and its companion grief for almost 11 years. It is not easy, or even do-able at times. At other times, I am able to remember the times of pregnancy with fondness. When special days roll around, we pull out Evan's "baby book" and show his pictures to the kids. We talk about him and how he looked, how we had anticipated him and how much he helped us to learn about the preciousness of time and children.

And on days like this, I have learned to be gentle with myself and my family. Mostly. I still want to yell and scream at the unfairness of the world. And that's okay.

I would never wish this trial on anyone else. I would never want to belong to this "club". And I have learned things that I could never approximate with any other experience. It has prepared me for experiences and other trials that I would have dealt with much differently and for that I am grateful.

Our news...

So, I think it's time to post on the blog...

We're expecting. :-) Again. :-)

I'm due in the middle of July and everything is going well. I'm past the sick stage, but of course, the energy is not coming back. I always have such plans of getting things done while I'm pregnant, and it just doesn't happen. I'm barely able to eat, let alone get food for anyone else.

Luckily, Frodo is expanding his cooking repertoire and Rapunzel is even able to get sandwiches made and diapers changed.

I'm getting lots of novels read again, which is nice.

So. That's that. Big news for lots of folks. But for your 5th? ;-) Every baby is a new beginning and we're excited to meet this new little one. :-)

Two in January!

Look at that! I am actually posting twice in one month. I haven't done that in a couple of years...

I am watching Frodo and Little "dump!" on the coffee table. It really shouldn't be called that at our house. It has much more function as a performing stage. Little has learned how to say jump! and says it to Frodo all the time. She calls him "deetee" and then says "dump!" and waits for him to pull her up really high. Of course, X-men ( the cartoon)is going in the background. Common recent questions at my house are things like, "mom, what is your favorite Marvel hero? Why?" "Do you want to know a Chuck Norris fact that I just made up all by myself?" "Mom, Strengtha is Rapunzel's super-hero. What's yours? What powers does she have?" and so on, ad nauseum.

Super heroes are pretty important around here.

I'm trying not to read too much into that.

In fact, the other day, little put her fist into my chest and said "shhhhh" and when I asked at dinner what that was, my husband gave a knowing glance at my son and said, "you tell her what it means." apparently, she was Wolverine when the claws come out...

:-)

Buggy started her first day at the University preschool today. She was so excited that she peed through 3 pairs of unders in about 1 1/2 hours until I finally just put her in a diaper. :-) We *will* learn to potty. Someday. If she wasn't dry most days at home, I wouldn't have any expectations anyway, but she's been doing so well at home for over three or four months. Ah well. We'll get there.

Rapunzel got croup on Sunday. That night, I told her she couldn't go to school, and she got confused. Then she enjoyed spending all day on the couch and not having to do chores yesterday. With all the oil and herbs she got, she got over it pretty quickly, but it gets a little weird when you can hear one of your "healthy" kids wheezing in the room...and how weird is it that *she* has the croupy lungs and Buggy doesn't? Does that mean she may be predisposed to asthma? I have no idea. I hope not. I just know that her lungs are really reactive and whenever she gets a cold, it is almost always croupy for her.

That's our week, I think. Don't expect another post for a while. ;-) I'm stocking up...