The Profound Thoughts of a Frivolous Mind

Birth story of Jethro

2010-11-22T19:47:00.003-07:00

heehee. The baby was supposed to be Jethro. I "knew" the baby was a boy. I had lots of other experiences that led me to the name. It turns out the meaning for Jethro was supposed to be applied to a GIRL!

How was I to know?

Please keep on mind that this *is* a birth story and will have subject matter that belongs in a story about birth. I no longer use terms such as "squeamish" or "graphic" when associated with birth. But others might, so be aware.

My niece was staying for the week with us to help out with the kids. I had had days of prodromal labor, at least two serious false starts and I was just getting to the end of my rope. I had shed several buckets of tears and just wanted to be left alone. Every well-meaning question was humiliating and uncomfortable for me: "So...You're still here?" "Wow, you're still pregnant?" "Aren't you due yet?"

YES!

Anyway, Jared had made some yummy dinner and I had given up eating easily digestible foods as I had given up believing the baby would come. Going back and forth every hour and every day was exhausting. I wasn't sleeping well either and I was looking forward to an early evening. While we were chatting at our picnic table and I felt a pop.

(Aside)When poring over...I mean, reading birth blogs, I had always read that phrase and thought, "they are just joking...I had experienced spontaneous rupture of membranes before and it was never like that. I've never felt anything before the gush. (Aside over)

Well, I shifted a little in my seat and yes, that was fluid and it just gushed, I mean, Gushed, out. It was dripping everywhere and I started laughing. Luckily, I was outside, so there was no mess to clean up. When I told the kids what had happened, they got really excited. We told them that they still had to go to bed and we promised to get them up when the baby was coming. I told them it could take a long time, but they were too excited. They kept coming downstairs all night long. They kept playing upstairs and unfortunately for them, the baby came right when they had finally all fallen asleep, so Rapunzel actually didn't make it until after the baby had come.

We were eating a bit late, so by the time I got cleaned up and called the midwife, it was about 7:30. She asked if I wanted the apprentice to come, and I said I was still okay. I wanted more people there, but not quite yet, and I hadn't really decided *who* I wanted to be there.

As we were settling the kids down, my best friend stopped by for something and when my husband told her, I was in labor, she asked if there was anything we needed. I knew then that it was right that she was there. I asked her to take the photos of the birth if she was willing. Her family was all occupied elsewhere as the night got on, so she made sure they were fed and then came back over. She also asked if it was okay that she call our other friend to let her know. I said that was fine.

I don't remember much in this time. I tried to keep the carpet dry as I had surges. They were not difficult, not really even intense, and they were still over 8 minutes apart. In fact, they never really got closer than that until the very end.

When my friend came back, (I'll call her friend1 and the other friend2, as she was mentioned first...I know..it's so impersonal when compared with what they actually did that night, but I still want to protect their privacy too) she set to working. She started making the miso soup for me. I had bought all the ingredients about two weeks earlier, so I would be all set. I ended up drinking about a gallon, I think, after all was said and done. It just felt so great, salty, and nourishing.

When the midiwfe got there, she was surprised at the huge amounts of fluid I was leaking everywhere. It meant that the head wasn't fully engaged yet. I already knew that...I could feel it. She would rub my back as I had surges. I really tried hard to get them more intense. I would squat during the surge, using my ball to support me and after it was over, I would rest in between. The midiwfe called her apprentice to come eventually and asked her to pick up some more depends on her way over (that way I could be a little more mobile instead of trying to stay on the chux). About that time, friend2 came over as well. She brought some essential oils and was going to do my feet, if I needed it.

The surges were a little more intense, but they did not feel productive at all. With Little, I could really feel my cervix dilating, but with this one, there was nothing. It felt discouraging. I tried to move around, to try other postiions while trying to conserve my energy for when it got more difficult. I was breathing and relaxing rather well, I thought. The hypnobirthing was kicking in just wonderfully...except that I wasn't progressing and I could feel it.

The midwife offered to check if I wanted it and I certainly did not. I was afraid that there would be no dilation at all and I was worried enough that nothing was working. I knew that this was real labor, but I did get worried that we might have to transfer because it wouldn't progress, or I would get too tired. There was absolutely no indication of progress (at least to me).

But I kept plodding along and trying to allow things to unfold as they would.

I had all sorts of support. I had the everyone taking turns with my back during surges and friend2 doing my feet with oils. That part was heavenly. I felt so surrounded by love and support. We labored that way for several hours. Little wouldn't go to bed without her "nursie night-night" which meant that she stayed up very late. I was not even about to entertain the idea of nursing her while I was working like this. She was getting so tired, but would not let anyone else put her to bed. At one point, friend1 was reading books to her on the other side of the room, so she could keep the noise level down (which I needed), and she was also telling stories while folding my laundry.

At about 1:00, she finally went down with Boy. He came out of the bedroom without her. For the whole 15 minutes he was in there, I kept telling myself, "I've got to go outside with just him. Just to be alone for a minute...I'm sure things will move along if we can just go outside and be alone."

When he came out, I told him I wnated to go outside with just him. I left the house and wonderful, sisterly chattering and just breathed. Immediately at that moment, I had a *huge* surge that just about knocked me off my feet. I made Boy squeeze my hips as hard as he could during every surge. As soon as we started walking, I would take about three steps or so and just be washed over by another surge. I remembered the midwife's comments about births with lots of attendees. she said that the woman will often be just fine and then as it gets closer, she will retreat from the crowd to do her hard work. If you leave her alone, things will be much smoother. I couldn't help hoping that this was what was happening for me. Although, there was not much thinking beyond just breathing at that point for me.

I really had to work hard to get through that walk, but I wanted to keep going to make sure I was closer. We walked from my frint door to the far end of our sidewalk around the corner, and then back. I knew that I was close when we got back to the door, but I insisted on going all the way to the driveway and back. I'm not sure of the time, but I think it took us 20 minutes to take that walk.

After we cam back in the house, it was extremely difficult for me to "keep it together". I was antsy, I wanted to move, but I couldn't find the right position. I wanted to escape, to just get away from my skin. I knew it was close, but I became suddenly afraid of the actual birth.

Yeah...good luck with that. It's happening at this point whether you want it or not...

I had been trying to labor standing or using the back of the couch as a support, but moved to the front of the couch using the cushions as support. I needed to be on my knees and I started to be enveloped by the surges. It felt like I was drowning.

(Aside)Even now, as I write this, my adrenaline is going up and my breathing is getting faster...wow. I want to be an anthropologist when I grow up just to study this process(Aside over)

Someone offered to go get the kids at this point, and I'm sure I yelled something totally rude. I was almost to a full yell at this point. I could feel the baby start to shift around and move down. I absolutely was aware and did not care that my toddler was sleeping just on the other side of a door. I was going to yell, and I didn't care who else had to deal with the consequences.

It felt like I pushed *for*ev*er*. I know it was only a couple minutes, but it was longer than Little, and I was expecting it to be as fast as Little. When it wasn't, I started really yelling. I know I begged them to "take it out" and yelled at the baby to get out faster.

When I finally pushed that baby out, my wonderful midwife, turned the baby around and sent him/her right through my legs, so I could quickly turn over and hold him. I demanded that my shirt be removed so that I could be skin to skin and only a few minutes later, realized I was naked and there were people in my living room. I aksed for a towel and a planket and they were immediately brought. I had thought about and planned this moment for a long time. Even before this baby was conceived, I thought about how I would do things differently. I would keep that baby skin to skin for days, not just minutes.

I smelled her. I didn't allow anyone to rub her off or wipe her down. I just held her, felt her, smelled her and watched her. I wanted the full faculties of my hormones to help with this amazing love process. Although, I was still bothered by the fact that the placenta wasn't out. I tried every minute or so to push it out and it did come much faster than my others. It was about 5 minutes after the birth that it came. After that came, I felt *so* much better. It was such a relief.

Baby is here...

2010-07-31T10:44:00.002-06:00

Hi all,

I know some of you are waiting for news and the news is...

Baby was born on July 17th at 1:44 am. That is really the most accurate time of any of our babies born at home. Jared looked at the clock and called it just as she was born-although I think he had a reminder from the midwife to do so. :-)

I was absolutely certain that this baby was a boy. We only had a boy name picked out (it was a name that was told to me rather than me picking so much) and I had only gotten our boy/gender neutral clothes ready. I have been right with every child except Frodo.

Until now...

My amazing friend even managed to catch a pic at the exact moment I checked in between the legs. It is priceless and I just might post it when I get up and start doing things instead of staring at and loving on my new baby. ;-)

Jared went out of town all this week, so I probably won't get to the birth story quite yet. I need to hurry though, before it starts to fade.

Welcome to the world, new baby girl!

:-)

ps, oh yeah...giant child...weighed in at 8 lb 10 oz and 22 inches. I know it won't end up on her resume when she grows up, but I'm sure putting it on mine:

Achievements:

Grew and birthed a giant baby; 8 lb 10 oz and 22 inches long when my current height is only 4'11" and I am generally considered shortwaisted.

40 weeks

2010-07-16T10:14:00.001-06:00

Yes...it's true. Yesterday was my "official" due date. Unfortunately, the baby didn't get that memo.

Babies come when they are ready and we will post when he/she does finally make an appearance. :-)

June at my house...

2010-06-14T17:09:00.002-06:00

Oh goodness. I've been trying to cut down my time at the computer and I've been doing such a good job, that I haven't posted anything in a very. long. time.

I should first wish the Little Happy Birthday!

She turned 2 in May. We decided that there is a surplus of toys and other "stuff" in the household, so we got her what she needed (shoes, and an outfit or two) and she had a grand time unwrapping what Buggy had delightfully wrapped for her. We sang Happy Birthday several times and she just loved it. So did Buggy. Birthdays are her favorite, so she had been gearing up for this one. :-) She talks all the time now and says some pretty funny things. She'll tell me when she wants to watch the "bahbie fincess" movie and she can say everyone's name very well.

When she spent such a long time watching Buggy and her attempts at potty learning, she one day just decided that she wanted in on the action. I'm not sure why, we have no "rewards" for pottying other than cheering. But she is now happily in underpants (or out of them) and using the potty much more regularly than Buggy. She will even go out and spent all of Sunday (including church) dry.

It means we have an abundance of nakedness at our house. Be Warned. :-)

She also wants to dress herself. a lot. She has several changes of clothes each day and if I won't dress her in what she wants, she will go and get her sisters' clothes and use those. They are easier to take on and off anyway. I've thought about fighting that battle and have decided that it's not worth it. At least not right now. When we go out, I at least attempt an outfit that won't be ripped off the second I turn my eyes, but sometimes it backfires on me. I don't think Frodo knew how to dress himself until he was almost 4. I always was in charge of the clothes, what, when and how much. I don't think it occurred to him until after Rapunzel was born that he might have a choice in the matter. He still doesn't like to tie his shoes. Rapunzel got herself dressed when Buggy was in the hospital. She liked clothes, but not overly so. Her big quirk was that all dresses (including nightgowns) must be to her ankles. It was the only way it could be "pretty". Buggy loves to dress herself for school, and as soon as she attempted, I encouraged the self-help skills as I know many kids with her disabilities often learn helplessness. I guess Little saw this as an open invitation. ;-) She has definitely take it to the extreme and I'm not really sure what to do with it. I did know that I had to get her clothes out of my room. It was causing a tornado that would reintroduce itself every few hours, whether I cleaned the mess or not. Now, at least...the mess is where I don't have to see it. :-)

Frodo finished 4th grade with k12 and has requested to do it again. He was pretty disgusted with my lack of routine and his apparent "holes" in education. He only has two subjects with k12, but it operated very much like school at home. He was badgering me about why we never did any other subjects. I finally sat down with him and let him plead his case while I countered with what he was learning in my "unschooling"-ness.

He was shocked.

"You mean, all that stuff had to do with school?"

"Yep"

"why didn't you tell me?"

"Would you rather we sat in a desk for 6 hours a day and did the same stuff?"

"Well, I guess not, I like to pick what I read"

"OK, then."

He's stopped bugging me so much. ;-)

He did, however, request more subjects through k12. I allowed one more. If he can keep up with it with minimal prodding, we'll add another one. It's been pretty funny going through math with him this year. I have *finally* figured out he was an auditory learner and when I started teaching him that way, he got pretty upset and asked why I just didn't do it the way his teacher did it. When I showed him how many problems he would have to complete if we did it that way, he "allowed" it my way. He picks things up so much quicker when I have him say things out loud. He really is very good at math and loved the chapter on logic puzzles. I'm afraid that he might be a math geek like the rest of us. ;-)

Rapunzel has been drawing pictures that astound me. She still doesn't think she is a reader (we're hoping to remedy that soon), but she is drawing in perspective and loves to make her own paper dolls for her sisters. She loves to do crafts and art projects. It certainly isn't her vision that is holding her back from reading. We had a long conversation about how sometimes our brains just aren't ready for things: just like she was a late talker, but now she can talk just as well as anyone else. Or how some babies walk before other babies. Sometimes reading just takes longer for some kids, but they can still be great readers. I'm hoping that all of this reinforcement will help her realize that she is still smart and can do hard things.

She ended up in the emergency room last month with croup. What 7 year old still gets croup bad enough that she can't breathe? I asked about risk factors for asthma and any other breathing stuff and they said it was a totally different bird. I then asked when she would grow out of it and they said, "Most kids have grown out of it by now, but sometimes it can last until they are 10 or even later."

Great.

Buggy has been rambling all over the place and started riding an adaptive tricycle at physical therapy. It is amazing for her. She loves it.

We have decided not to send her to kindergarten this year, which means that we had to sign a waiver at the school district abandoning our right to all services relating to a "free and appropriate public education" for her. I'm still sorting out how I feel about all of that. The classroom was a great supportive environment, but not appropriate for her at this time. I'm taking it just a piece at a time. I realize that my educational goals for my children are significantly different from the public school system. I also am realistic enough to know that in order for me to provide all that I can for Buggy, I need respite. Right now, I have access to Buggy's preschool. They have graciously allowed her to stay for another year. It is the perfect environment for her. When that is over, I'll have to reassess.

For now, that is enough.

I feel myself getting very nesty and very little energy with which to nest. :-) I am glad that the lazy days of summer are finally starting. We can sit outside all day and play. I am excited about my pending birth and hoping that I am as ready this time as I was last time. I spent so much time practicing my hypnobabies last time and I haven't been as diligent this time around. I have done a lot of studying around the cultural attitudes surrounding birth and my Faith. So much of our culture has seeped into my religion about birth, but it has absolutely no foundation in doctrine...in fact, it often runs counter to the doctrine that we believe as LDS people. Understanding the reasons for this and then wanting to shout from the rooftops the disparities has me exhausted. I also know that I need to respect the choices of others if I have any hope of being respected myself.

HeaterBoy and I have discussed this often and he is a great sounding board when I get frustrated or have an epiphany. I feel like I have grown, as a woman, very much during this pregnancy. I understand my purpose a little bit better. I understand my role and its importance along with the attacks being made on me and all of us as adults while we struggle to understand what gender has to do with our lives in this universe.

I am grateful for personal revelation.

2010-03-27T20:23:00.003-06:00

I have to post this before the month is over...

Happy Birthday, Rapunzel!

My girl is now 7 years old. It's hard to believe that it's been that long.

So I checked back through my archives and I have never written her birth story on my blog...Here is a version of it:

I had been on complete bedrest for 24 weeks. Yes...24. Starting at about week 28 or so, I was in L&D about every week for labor that wouldn't stop at home. Sometimes they just monitored, sometimes they gave me extra drugs, and sometimes they just threw up their hands and didn't know what to do. At about week 30, my doctor put me on Terbutaline (a tocolytic-labor-stopping drug, absolutely not approved by the FDA for that purpose). I went absolutely crazy. I took it for about two or three days and it felt like I was having one long panic attack that just wouldn't stop. My skin was crawling and I couldn't take it.

After that terrible episode, they tried a different drug called nifedipine. It is also for blood pressure, but it was much more tolerable. I felt "out of it" rather than skin crawly and since I was supposed to be in bed anyway, it was much better than the alternative.

Once I reached 35 weeks, I thought my doc would discontinue the drugs...he didn't. I was starting to get antsy to be a regular person again. At my 37 week appointment, I told him that I really didn't like the way the drugs made me feel and I wanted off. He countered that he had just delivered a 37 weeker that needed to be in the NICU because of RDS (Respiratory Distress Syndrome, another term for "my lungs are not ready because I was born too early"). He was not prepared to allow my body to go into labor. I suggested and amniocentesis as he could check the lungs that way and have a definitive answer. I was okay with the risk of labor with the amnio since I was so close anyway. ;-) I also knew he had done countless amnios in his time and I trusted his expertise. He said he wouldn't do one in his office, it would have to be with the perinatologist. I said fine. When they got on the phone to schedule, they found out that the peri couldn't do it for at least 5 more days. I was crushed. I was also very vocal. (oops) He consented to an amnio in his own office the next day.

I went in and brought my aunt and my mom. I was scared, but wanted it over with. I was fine watching the U/s screen instead of his hands until I saw the needle on the screen. ;-) Then I got a little light-headed and had to look away. Everything went well and he said he would call with the results. I expected at least 48 hours...he called that afternoon. He said her lungs were ready and I could stop taking the pills the next morning, he would take out my cerclage in the office and we could wait and see what happened. The hope was that my body would immediately, but normally go into labor and I would be able to leisurely go over to the hospital and have my baby in a glorious VBAC.

HeaterBoy came with me to the cerclage removal. We were nervous and excited for the impending birth of our baby. I had talked to my doula and we had agreed to call her when we were sure I was in labor.

The removal was not so cut and dry.

The doc said he couldn't take it out and he wanted to meet us over at the hospital for another cesearean. He said some things that made us worried for the safety of our baby and the safety of my uterus and my future ability to have children. We agreed to the surgery and drove over to the hospital. We called my doula, but she was in work and couldn't get away right at that minute. She said she would come as soon as she was able.

I was amazed at the time it took (or lack thereof) to prep me for surgery. They all knew that I had a doula who was supposed to be present at the birth. I had my epi placed (actually it was technically a spinal, but essentially the same thing) and I had my legs tingle. I remembered to warn the nurse anesthetist that my BP always drops with an epi and he was good to remember and keep me talking so I didn't pass out. Boy was careful to stay on *his* side of the drape so as not to pass out either. ;-) The doc commented on how easy it was to make the cut and he worked for a while and out came my screaming daughter. :-) We were so happy that all had turned out well. this hospital was different from our son in that they had my husband with the baby at all times. He stood by her in the warmer while they "cleaned her off" and did their thing and then he carried her to the room at my side when I was finished being stitched up. Of course, I wasn't able to hold her as my arms were strapped down and by the time they took her out, the epi had done something weird and I could barely breathe. But she was healthy and her APGARs were all good.

When we got back to the room, we had a little time before everyone showed up to ogle the baby. She started nursing right away and didn't let go the entire time we were inpatient. :-) Unfortunately, I didn't realize she had a terrible latch until my breasts were so damaged that I would cringe every time she would wimper for nursing. And of course, this didn't happen until we were home and out of the care of the LC in the hospital.

but during the hospital, I was in heaven. She had a bassinet in our room, but the only time she was ever in it was when I had to go to the bathroom. :-) I was afraid that she would be my last baby. Her pregnancy was so difficult and the doc was pushing to have my tubes tied. I didn't think I would ever be pregnant again. I didn't want to miss a single moment with her. I fell in love. It was so different than with my son. I spent lots of time skin to skin with her and I loved every minute of it. It was almost fortunate that none of my friends were able to visit for the first several weeks. I did have one friend, who was the mother of 12, and she came to help out a bunch (as she had when I was on bedrest) and I told her it had been 4 days since I had last showered. She said "You know, it's okay to shower...I can hold her while you shower...It's also okay not to want to put her down. Hold her as long as you want. She will grow up and you don't want to miss it. Babies are okay to be held. They need it" She made me feel okay for wanting to spend every waking and sleeping minute with my daughter. Because of this, I felt so much more competent starting out. I got to know Rapunzel from the very beginning and I knew what she needed. It's a good thing as she was so very high-needs. But I never worried. Other people always said what a "good" baby she was. I laughed. Any baby would be "good" if they were being held 24/7. :-) At least that was what I thought since I knew that as soon as she was put down she would cry...so I never put her down. :-)

We figured out breastfeeding with another visit to the LC and a little time and patience.

There is more to this story, but I tried very hard not to color it with my current beliefs about birth and my personal feelings about my doctor, who had made choices that he felt were right, even though I now disagree. I had done the research I had done and I made the choices I made because I thought, at the time, that they were right. That is all we can ask of ourselves.

Although I ended up with a repeat cesearean birth, I still count it a triumph. I learned much during that pregnancy. I learned much in the postpartum period. Rapunzel helped me to love mothering. If I had it to do over again, I would do it differently, but that is the beauty of life...you *don't* have it to do over again. You only have the future to "do". You learn, and you take what you have learned and it makes a new you. New facets are added that enable you to help others and learn for future choices.

My Rapunzel is my oldest daughter. I love her. She is so very intense in her needs and I am grateful to be blessed to be her mother. She is constantly teaching me how to calm down, listen, and reflect. I look forward to the adult she will eventually become.

Happy Birthday Rapunzel!

Normal Grief

2010-02-15T10:08:00.002-07:00

This pregnancy has been pretty typical. I haven't been sicker or less sick. I haven't been in more or less pain. My contractions are "normal" for how many pregnancies I've had and not too many, so all in all, I have nothing to complain about.

So I've been feeling really crappy for the past couple of days. I didn't really verbalize that it was bad until about Saturday. I was sore, cranky, wanted to snap at everyone and just didn't feel well. I was also driven to tears at the smallest provocation.

Last night, I actually said out loud to myself, "I am one day shy of 19 weeks". Then it all made sense. I knew the time was coming up and I thought I would be okay. I am usually pretty aware of my "grieving times" and I thought I was aware enough this time.

Apparently not.

As soon as I made the reason "real" and allowed myself to "feel" this grief that lives in my body, I felt much better. I didn't feel so lost.

When my first child was one day shy of 19 weeks, he died. For months after, I had this physical pain, that I couldn't pinpoint or understand. It wasn't until years after that I was able to recognize it for aching arms. I know it is a normal reaction to losing a baby.

---Aside-I always refused to use the term "lose my baby" for the longest time as well. I didn't lose him. I knew exactly where he was. In a funeral plot. He wasn't where he should have been; in my arms. It was just a euphemism that made people feel better or like they could avoid what had actually happened. My baby died. He was dead. It wasn't my fault that he was "lost", although that also took some time to sink in. I've since adopted the euphemism in deference to other people, but I don't use it consistently. I often just say that I had a stillbirth, or my first baby died. It helps me to keep it from becoming an unimportant part of my life.
---

I have lived with this hole and its companion grief for almost 11 years. It is not easy, or even do-able at times. At other times, I am able to remember the times of pregnancy with fondness. When special days roll around, we pull out Evan's "baby book" and show his pictures to the kids. We talk about him and how he looked, how we had anticipated him and how much he helped us to learn about the preciousness of time and children.

And on days like this, I have learned to be gentle with myself and my family. Mostly. I still want to yell and scream at the unfairness of the world. And that's okay.

I would never wish this trial on anyone else. I would never want to belong to this "club". And I have learned things that I could never approximate with any other experience. It has prepared me for experiences and other trials that I would have dealt with much differently and for that I am grateful.

Our news...

2010-02-06T13:50:00.002-07:00

So, I think it's time to post on the blog...

We're expecting. :-) Again. :-)

I'm due in the middle of July and everything is going well. I'm past the sick stage, but of course, the energy is not coming back. I always have such plans of getting things done while I'm pregnant, and it just doesn't happen. I'm barely able to eat, let alone get food for anyone else.

Luckily, Frodo is expanding his cooking repertoire and Rapunzel is even able to get sandwiches made and diapers changed.

I'm getting lots of novels read again, which is nice.

So. That's that. Big news for lots of folks. But for your 5th? ;-) Every baby is a new beginning and we're excited to meet this new little one. :-)

Two in January!

2010-01-19T13:37:00.003-07:00

Look at that! I am actually posting twice in one month. I haven't done that in a couple of years...

I am watching Frodo and Little "dump!" on the coffee table. It really shouldn't be called that at our house. It has much more function as a performing stage. Little has learned how to say jump! and says it to Frodo all the time. She calls him "deetee" and then says "dump!" and waits for him to pull her up really high. Of course, X-men ( the cartoon)is going in the background. Common recent questions at my house are things like, "mom, what is your favorite Marvel hero? Why?" "Do you want to know a Chuck Norris fact that I just made up all by myself?" "Mom, Strengtha is Rapunzel's super-hero. What's yours? What powers does she have?" and so on, ad nauseum.

Super heroes are pretty important around here.

I'm trying not to read too much into that.

In fact, the other day, little put her fist into my chest and said "shhhhh" and when I asked at dinner what that was, my husband gave a knowing glance at my son and said, "you tell her what it means." apparently, she was Wolverine when the claws come out...

:-)

Buggy started her first day at the University preschool today. She was so excited that she peed through 3 pairs of unders in about 1 1/2 hours until I finally just put her in a diaper. :-) We *will* learn to potty. Someday. If she wasn't dry most days at home, I wouldn't have any expectations anyway, but she's been doing so well at home for over three or four months. Ah well. We'll get there.

Rapunzel got croup on Sunday. That night, I told her she couldn't go to school, and she got confused. Then she enjoyed spending all day on the couch and not having to do chores yesterday. With all the oil and herbs she got, she got over it pretty quickly, but it gets a little weird when you can hear one of your "healthy" kids wheezing in the room...and how weird is it that *she* has the croupy lungs and Buggy doesn't? Does that mean she may be predisposed to asthma? I have no idea. I hope not. I just know that her lungs are really reactive and whenever she gets a cold, it is almost always croupy for her.

That's our week, I think. Don't expect another post for a while. ;-) I'm stocking up...

January Blahs

2010-01-13T16:41:00.003-07:00

I really hate January.

There is no caveat, nothing that makes it bearable, and nothing that has ever made it better. I just have to plow through it. I know that I am not the only one that feels this way.

so...to bury myself in my warm blankie, I have just checked out 6 fantasy novels (escapism anyone?) from the library and plan to just take a break for a while. Last year was the first year that I had actually allowed myself to "hibernate" and it was much happier for everyone. We put homeschool on "autopilot" and do tons of stuff during the summer (I love flexibility) instead.

We will hopefully be filling out a few new puzzle pieces in Buggy's health and I'll keep you updated as they actually start happening. As of right now, we are ju8st trying to get in to see some new specialists that may have a different view than her current ones. (I know, I'm guilty of sometimes dr shopping. I know dr's hate that. I don't enjoy when I have dr's who don't read their medical journals, and then call me crazy for doing it myself.) I know they don't always have a lot of time as they are "too busy saving people", but you think that occasionally, maybe someone found a better way to do that. Something that would maybe save you time and energy. And amazingly, something that would improve a patient's quality of life.

**sheepishly getting off of soapbox**

Christmas and New years were great. Although I'm not sure our kids would agree, we had a wonderful time. It was laid back and much more quiet than in years past. We had people visiting us and it was great to see them.

My sister who has nannied for us since she got home from her mission, just let us for good. :-( She has the last leg of her degree in an internship in rural PA. She's driving there right now. Good Luck Auntie Chicken! Luckily, her roommate is still here and she will be taking over the position. Now that I've had a nanny for so long. I can't really go for very long without one. :-P

Rapunzel lost both of her front teeth this past month and it's been a little silly. Frodo has started reading The Hobbit, we'll see how that goes. Little is talking up a storm. Nobody really knows what she is saying, but she's talking all the time. :-)
She has also just started Nursery at church. She still needs one of us there with her most of the time, but is taking short forays by herself. It makes me all paranoid about germs again. Luckily, the church is well supplied with sanitizer. :-)

This photo that I have posted is my grandma's 80th birthday. We had a great family reunion with most of my cousins in town. It was fun to see everyone again.

Christmas Cheer

2009-12-12T13:56:00.003-07:00

Hello all! I am ignoring the fact that it has been so long since I last posted and I am going to not feel guilty about it. I do what I can when I can. That has to be enough.

Here is a nice little photo to get me going. They were both eating cookies. teehee. I love it when the babies learn to follow their siblings.

Little is "talking" all over the place and Buggy is too. She was just retested in her speech and she just kept going through the test when they expected her to start getting them wrong, she just keeps going. I think her language may be pretty close to her age. Her receptive may actually be over her age. Now her speech is nowhere near that good. Her clinician can understand her and so can I (most of the time). :-) But others...it's kind of a crap shoot. :-)

Rapunzel is such a big helper. She now knows how to change diapers (paper only, thank -you-very-much) and she does so well with the little girls. She loves to "read" stories to them and has a great "small business" with Frodo.

Frodo wanted to learn some real-life applications of math and a few other things. He is starting to sit in on our budget meetings and he came with me to the store a few times. Then we talked about his goals for money.

Omi and opi wanted to go to Disneyland as an extendeds vacation. Not my thing. Or hubby's. We opted to just have HeaterBoy take Buggy since it is her turn anyway and opt out of the rest of the trip. I had no idea of the wrath that we would incur. It was terrible. We talked to the kids and told them we just didn't have the money, not did we want to use the money we did have for this trip. We talked about our options and the kids chose to start their own money-making venture to contribute to the trip.

Oh my goodness. We are not ever giving these kids an allowance. I'm not even going to feel guilty about it.

They made cookies and are also now selling spiced apple cider and their first day they made over $30. For two hours. They sell out on our yard corner and I'm a little concerned that since they do so well, someone might tell on us and we'll have to get them a business license. ;-)

They aren't out there every day, but usually at least once per week. They are going to make their end of the money pretty quickly. It's almost shameful how much people tip my children. Especially poor college kids who can't afford their own food. It's not completely uncommon for them to make as much in tips as they did in actual sales. One of the advantages they have over other kids is that they can sell right when the college kids get out around twelve and one, when the school kids wouldn't be able to set up shop until 3 or so. Too bad I don't have any photos of them. I'll have to do that one of the times they are out there.

I am now officially finished with my Communication Skills Training. I have passed the mentorship phase and they trust me to teach/facilitate Communication Learning that fosters respect trust and empathy. Hooray!

I actually started this job in LLL to learn more about communication. We don't always pick up the best habits in communication as we are growing up. I realized that many of my habits were not creating the feeling I wanted in my home. I was doing things that I didn't realize were sabotaging us and I didn't know how to fix it. I know feel much more "aware" of how I speak with others. I'm not done learning, but I do feel like I have new tools that work much better than the old ones. It has also changed how I think about communicating and creating/maintaining relationships. It's a paradigm shift that fits better with my belief in God and the divinity in all of us.

so...
That's all for the next two or three months. ;-) If you want to connect, please contact me. If I get back to this earlier than that, then it will be a surprise. ;-p

Here are some Halloween photos for your viewing pleasure. :-)

Happy Birthday!

2009-08-28T17:15:00.002-06:00

I just looked at a cousin's blogroll and realized it had been two months since my last update. ?!?!?! 2 Months?!?!

oops.

Today is Buggy's Birthday! (This was written on Friday)

I would love to have some photos posted of her, but my battery died on my camera. Maybe I can find some in the pile of photos I just uploaded.

She is 4 and we have sung Happy Birthday at least 5 times up to this point. It will be many more, I'm sure. She was so excited for her presents and has been talking about them all day. she loves her new Barbie and Polly Pocket. I can't believe I actually paid money for them. Aah well...I try to keep them from being too commercial, but by this point, Barbie isn't commercial anymore, is she? She's just a part of childhood. ;-)

What is Happening...

2009-06-24T09:09:00.003-06:00

This is from an email that I just sent out and I figured it would work well to post it here...

"Thank you so much for the offer of help. They are able to keep Buggy at Logan for now (we switched pediatricians a while ago to someone with more experience with kids who have "complex" issues). And actually, yesterday she was doing much better. I just talked with dh and she has continued to do well. She may get released either today or tomorrow.

"We were in Chicago all last week and the day after we came home, HeaterBoy got really sick with the flu. Buggy started to act a little sick, but not much, so we assumed she was just tired from the traveling. Little had a runny nose, but that was it. Then as the week wore on, Buggy just wasn't getting better and on Sunday, she crashed. We gave her a blessing, but she told me that she wanted to go to the hospital. On Monday, I could see that she was not keeping her sats up and she wouldn't even tolerate pedialyte through her g-tube. tha'ts when we took her in. She tested positive for Influenza A and her chest x-ray had lots of gunk, but no definite spots of pneumonia. The doctor said that 95% of Utah's influenza A cases are H1N1 flu right now, so they are kind of assuming that's what it is. Although I'm almost positive that whatever this is, we caught it in Chicago. Rapunzel is coughing a teeny bit, but Frodo had a full blown fever last night and continues to be very sick today. At least he is still drinking. Little has had a fever for about two days and has been super cranky for the last week. Last night she didn't sleep much and keeps biting me while nursing because she is so miserable.

"My nose has gotten pretty stuffy today as well, but I'll continue to fight it. We are pretty much quarantined in our house. I don't want to let the few "healthier" people go anywhere in the fears that they will spread it around."

There it is. We are sick. Don't come over. Unless you don't have littles and you are not afraid of the swine flu. And even then, I will just send you away. :-) unless you bring chocolate, in which case, I will take the treats and then send you away...

Soapbox

2009-06-23T11:03:00.002-06:00

http://health.utah.gov/epi/h1n1flu/SFQ&A_061709-Final.pdf

Everybody wash your hands one more time today. Please. For me.

For my daughter.

Updates

2009-04-06T16:50:00.002-06:00

I know, what a boring title, right? I just couldn't think of anything witty at the moment and I really need to get a post done.

Frodo is acing his times tables after a few accommodations in the classroom and is learning the finer points of 3rd grade bathroom humor and why some kids think it's okay to tease mercilessly. He's also learned how to cook ramen and crepes and loves to learn new dishes. He and Rapunzel made me so proud at their great-grandmas house for breakfast. They said all the right things and used their best manners. It's times like that that make it worth it. They wanted to show their grandma how much they appreciated all the work she put into making breakfast for them.

He moved his things into the extra bedroom last week. I almost cried. If I had known it was going to stay, I would have cried. My baby is gettng big and he wants his own private space.I knew the transition would come, just like others have and new ones will. I'm so glad it was done smoothly and without any pain.

He still likes to jump on my furniture and bother his sisters. He's becoming a master at avoiding chores, but on the whole, he is growing into a delightsome boy. I'm glad he's mine. :-)

Rapunzel is loving reading when it is on her own terms. She loves being able to read the names of being she knows: Nephi and Sariah and some of their own stories. She felt so accomplished when she actually read her scriptures in family reading instead of parroting while a parent read them to her. She constantly is telling me that *all* girls are princesses and loves to help her sister with her princess attire. She no longer likes school, but still loves her teachers. She knows how to change a cloth diaper (mostly) is so good about playing with both Buggy and Baby. she says funny things all the time, but I can't remember any of them right now. :-)

Buggy had surgery this past weeek. Just a little one, but surgery nonetheless. she had her ear tubes replaced and since we knew she needed it, we decided to get a bunch of pending trests all done at the same time with the same anesthesia. Anyone remember her last bout with anesthesia? (If I were any handier with HTML, I would have a link to that post...alas...) She was cranky and yelled for 3 weeks. This time, she has been very lethargic, and snuggly, but no crankier than normal. they tested her for functioning lung cilia (a total longshot, but actually a possible problem)and they also cultured all of the junk hanging out in her lungs.The fun thing she threw in this time was "weird breathing." Let me tell you...that was fun for neurotic old me...

She would gasp in two or three times before she had enough air for an exhale, which also happened in two or three gasps. We had her on her monitors and I was calling her docs.She needed to be on oxygen after we came home. I know they messed with her lungs which could potentially cause some problems, but come on. :-P

We'll find out the results of everything in a day or so.

Buggy also got a new pair of braces that have seriously cut down on the drunken sailor gait and have given her new stability and confidence in the walking arena.

Baby is starting to walk! This weekend she was taking 2 & 3 steps. She also started vomiting like crazy...while nursing, sometimes. Fun times at our house for all. :-P

Happy Spring everyone!

And Now a Word From Our Sponsors...

2009-03-03T07:38:00.002-07:00

In the middle of our previously mentioned post, and just to make life interesting, we now have Rotavirus

Lucky us. There will be no more caught poo for the near future. Stay away from our house (although most who read this are already far away and probably glad about it).

Hip, Hip, Hooray, for the Piglet and the Pooh!

2009-02-25T08:35:00.002-07:00

She did it! She pooped in her potty all by herself. (You didn't really want a photo of that, did you?) ;-)

Christmas Carnage

2009-01-12T12:21:00.003-07:00

That's what it's called, right? We try to simplify, we try to focus on the right things, the right people and not the stuff.

Here's our carnage:

pre-carnage

I tried to post the pics of the carnage and blogger's being silly. Maybe I'll try again later. I was able to get our required sock photo. We don't do pajamas or an outfit for every year-we were too poor for too long. But we do socks. Every year we get socks and we take a matching photo. Here is this year's:

We've been trying to figure our Buggy's "snot" problem. The current dr'sd were all of a mind that it was just part and parcel of the stroke and the only thing we can do about it is to not feed her. Well, nothing improved when we stopped feeding her, so we went back to food and saught a second opinion. We may be switching peds and my heart is hurt. We love our ped and he has been through so much with us. It's getting to a place now where we need a more assertive and respected advocate when it comes to continuity of care, so we have found someone new in the valley. Our previous ped just was too new of a doc to hold much clout with the "specialists" at Primary's. The new ped has bunches of new suggestions and they are actually working.

The ENT in the valley has decided to open an allergy clinic here in town. I know he's new and not very experienced, but he may be more open to new methods of testing, right? I have a great blood test that I want Buggy to have that has much fewer false negatives than the RAST. We did a RAST in Decemeber and as it turns out, Buggy is allergic to corn and soy (among other things). WE cut them out and didn't see any difference for almost three weeks, then she got sick...

For the last 8 or so days, Buggy has had absolutely no green goo when she wakes up. It's been so exciting. !!!!!

We also cut all dairy for the same time period. We have to replace her tubes and plan to do some other tests while she's out for the surgery, and we'll be having a "collaborative" meeting with some of her docs in about a month or two. It looks like we might actually be getting closer to getting her healthy.

Little is cruising all over the place. she is a pro at crawling. She is so young and doesn't understand object permanence, though, so she crawls behind me until I leave the room and then she starts to cry as I've disappeared. She also can't climb, so she tries to crawl over me and can't get all the way over. It's been so funny to watch. I've never had a baby do this much this early. Enjoy your January

2008-12-23T09:44:00.002-07:00

Here is the tag that all have been doing, and I'll play along...

From November 2003

Where did you meet?

We met in High school at Kearns High in SLC. I knew of his sister in eighth grade. We were in the same "group" in school although on different peripheries of it. I knew she had an older brother, but he didn't come onto my radar until I was a sophomore and he was playing Conrad Birdie in the School Musical. I think he didn't know who I was until the end of that year when I didn't have anybody to hang out with at Choir tour, so I hung around with his friends (who were also friends of mine in debate).

What was the first thought that went through your head when you met?

"Oh my goodness. He is just the most exotic-looking gorgeous boy I have ever seen" I always swooned when I was around him. :-) When he asked me on our first date it was even worse.

Do you remember what he was wearing?

I don't remember if he was wearing his costume for the role of Conrad or not, but I seem to remember that he was. He was "rehearsing" before the show in front of the Concert Choir anbd he sang that song that has the words "some girls are ripe for some kissing..." he was swinging his hips like Elvis and and all the girls were screaming at him. I knew at that moment that although he was amazing, I would never be in his league. He had dates all the time and was always hanging around cute girls. Imagine my total amazement when we became friends and then when we started dating.

Where did you go for your first date?

He asked me out first to a SPEBSQSA concert in preparation for his newly-forming quartet. But it was about two weeks away. I ended up asking him out second, but our date was first. It was a concert at Abravanel of a new-age musician that I really enjoyed at the time (okay, okay, I admit it, I like new-age!) Hehe, my parents also had tickets. So our first date was adouble with my parents. How's that for dorky beginnings? ;-)

Where was the first time you kissed this person?

I think I've answered this in a previous tag...on his front doorstep with his little brother egging us on behind the door. The kiss after the mission was way better. :-)

When was the first time you realized that you liked this person?

As soon as I knew him. Once we got to know each other, I realized that he was amazing in other things besides his looks. I always hoped that someday we would really end up together but I realized the unlikelihood of that happening to people from high school. Even after we started dating, I was so afraid that we would screw it up and I would never see him again. He and I are both introverts, so the early days of our dating were rather awkward for both of us. I didn't really have a solid relationship with him in till the mission. We became best friends through those weekly letters.

How long did you know this person before you became a couple?

About a year from the time we were both aware of each other to when we were a "couple". Considering that I was only 15 when we met, that's a good thing. :-)

How did this person propose to you?

I had agreed to go back to Jackson before we were exclusively dating after the mish and I asked him if he wanted me to go or should I pull out of it. He said to go. It would only be one summer, right? In fact, I was only going to stay for a month until the Hatchet sold to the new owner. He said it would be a great time to write mushy letters to each other. Well, I think I got two or three letters. I used a *lot* of phone cards that summer. One week our talking got really forced and awkward as we tried to make plans for the next year without actually saying "marriage". Finally, he said "I've been beating around a bush a lot and I hope you know which bush I'm beating around." that kind of let off the tension and he said that he wanted us to start talking about getting married. I hated the idea of a long engagement, so I said, "when?" He came up about two weeks later, after having asked my parents for permission, and gave me my ring. No knee, no proposal, nothing. To hear him tell the story, I proposed to him. I think it was him that did the actual asking, just not in so many words. We've improved our communication since then. ;-)

Do you and this person have kids together?

We had a baby boy, Evan, in March of 1999. He was stillborn. We also have 4 other children. One boy and 3 girls. They are all beautiful.

Have you ever broken the law with this person?

I'm sure we have, I just can't remember it now. I mean we've been together for an awful long time. I'm sure it would mostly just be traffic stuff... ;-)

Do you trust this person?

I do. Trust is a big deal and occasionally goes in and out. But I trust him with my heart and with my family.

Do you see him as your partner in your future?

Of course, and partner is a good word as I don't see him as just my spouse, but my partner in everything.

What is the best gift he gave you?

While we were dating, he had gone with me to my Grandparents home. My grandma is short and she has footstools all over the place. I made some offhand comment that I would also have footstools everywhere and for my birthday he made me a footstool. He made the stool from wood that he cut out and then he did a needlework design that was in my favorite colors with a saying that was dear to my heart and subsequently inscribed in my wedding band. It was for my 17th birthday. I still have it, it's been put away as I have littles who get things dirty and until I master cleaning needlepoint, I don't want to leave it a target for too much destruction. He is great with things like that. Gifts that are well thought out and tender.

What is one thing he does that gets on your nerves?

I would get really upset when we were first married th t he would leave the cupboard doors open. I kept trying to change his behavior. That was when I learned. I married a person. I don't want to change him and he didn't marry me to be changed. I close the cupboard doors now. :-)

Where do you see each other 15 years from now?

We hope to be in a hobby farm by then with no debts and on our way to being off the grid. :-)

What causes the most arguments?

Nan said the same thing that happens in our home. I cause arguments. He doesn't argue. If I lose my cool, he maintains a calm demeanor throughout the conversation. We're learning ways to have deep conversations about things that matter to us rather than harboring grudges about things that don't meet either of our needs.

How long have you been together?

We started dating in April 1995 and were married in Sep 1998. So that's 13 years together and we just celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary.

Who Do you Tag?

Ooh, Sapps, Cousin Andrea, and whoever else hasn't done this yet...

Halloween...

2008-12-23T09:22:00.004-07:00

Yeah, sorry it took so long. I always procrastinate uploading my photos as my hard drive was getting so full that it was keeping the thing from working properly. Here are my cuties...

Frodo was Hamlet. Yes, you read that right. He was Hamlet. He designed the costume all by himself. I was laughing at his choice of characters and I quizzed him on the story. My son knows not only the main plot, but also *all* of the subplots and how everyone dies. Who knew what guiding children in the direction they show interest would do... ;-)

Rapunzel was a princess, of course. When we asked her if she was Ophelia to Frodo's Hamlet, she said, "of course not mom. Ophelia dies in a pool in the river. I had no idea she knew about the story, so I quizzed her, and without any prompting from her brother, she was also well-versed in the story. She's five.

Buggy was...a bug. It was the costume we owned that fit her. ;-) And boy, was it cute. She had practiced so hard at saying "trick or treat" and every time she did, she erupted into gasps of laughter. As we were taking photos, I told her to say cheese and you can see her here, signing "cheese". This is the photo I'm turning in to "Signing Time" as they are a major contributor in Buggy having the language acquisition that she does.

That last one is sweet little baby and Daddy in his be-all costume. This cloak has been many things for many people. Ghost of Christmas Future, Dementor, Obi Wan, generic scary guy.

The kids were going to do some looting to a few older neighbors and then meet me at the ward party, but they ended up having too much fun to be bothered with meeting me and I ended up alone at the party with my babe. :-) Oh well, at least they had fun and I still got the "tax" of candy. :-)

Can You Fix This...Please!

2008-10-14T12:45:00.002-06:00

Aaack! I just talked to our insurance co on the phone because they have stopped covering Buggy's feeding supplies. I was informed that this plan does not cover disposable items of any kind. WHAT!?!?! Do you mean that I pay premiums for you to not help in my daughter's day-to-day living? You aren't going to cover something that is *essential* to her life? Her food bags aren't important because they are disposable? The lady on the phone tried to console me by saying that they didn't cover colostomy bags either...

Are you kidding me!?!?!?

They refuse to assign her a case manager, because they "don't do that for anyone" and then I get to clean up the messes of things not getting billed right, or being flagged because they "could have been caused" by an injury caused by someone else. (aka, someone else gets to pay for this)

On top of that, our car broke this weekend. I knew it was coming, but I didn't have the energy to deal with it just yet. It turns out that the radiator is done. It needed to be replaced. We hoped that would solve the problem of the heater blowing out cold air, but apparently not. We will have spent more than $1000 on the car by the end of this week...just when we were getting our food storage bulked up.

I'll probably erase this post because it's not very nice or happy or well though out or helpful or even productive. I just needed to gripe and the people I would normally call are gone.

Things would be much easier for me if I were an extrovert. :-P

Happy Life Day

2008-10-09T10:48:00.005-06:00

As most of you know, Buggy's life day was on the 2nd of this month. It has been 3 years since my beautiful babe had a grade 5 brain bleed which caused her heart to stop and her lungs to fill with fluid. Our life has been a rollercoaster since then. She has been a joy and a master teacher to me. She is now talking up a storm and putting four or five words together. Here is pic taken just a few days ago with her "jiggle vest" on. This wonderful invention has kept her out of the hospital for almost one year...yes, you read that right. No admissions since November of *last* year. I doubted that day would ever come when we could live our lives and not worry about constant hospital stays. We're not out of the woods completely yet, but things are definitely looking up on the short-term health front.

Little has a "little" cold. She snorted around in a pool of snot last night and this morning it is much worse. She doesn't seem to be cranky, though, so it's all good. Other than sleeping a little more than usual, she seems to be okay.

Today starts our first round of Parent teacher conference. We'll be seeing the teacher at Public School preschool. The big kids have conf next week.

As you can guess, with all of the girls around our house, we do "princess" a lot. Rapunzel is catching on to her letters and J caught this pic while she had made her own crown and sceptor.

oops...

2008-09-28T19:19:00.002-06:00

Sorry all. I was looking on a friends blog that had a blogroll and when the last post of the blog occurred and I realized (with proper shame, of course) that it's been over 4 months since my last post.

We had a family council and decided to have the kids go to public school for now. I was worried that they would start complaining after the first week and it's been 4 now and we're still going strong. Frodo loves his 3rd grade class and Rapunzel adores her kindergarten teacher. She's struggling with her letters, they still evade her much of the time, but she'll get it when she's ready. We have a literary home and I don't doubt that she'll read when she's ready, the trick is to keep her teachers from getting concerned and keep her from falling behind her peers too much (or keep from caring). I'm sure it will be fine, she has already picked up tons from where she started.

Frodo has started reading Animorphs. It's been so funny to watch him get so wrapped up in this fiction series *without any pictures*. We had the joy of discovering AR in the last few weeks and he seems to be right on track with that.

We sat down to dinner last week and he said "mom, it's nice when we're together." I asked him to clarify and he continued, "I mean, all of here, right now, being with each other...it's nice. Don't you think it's nice to be with us?" Both J and I assured him that we did like it. Before public school, we spent all day every day together. The kids had a hard time with sitting down to dinner together because they didn't realize what it was all about. Now that they spend significantly less time with us, Frodo seems to realize that the time we spend together is special and he enjoys it.

Rapunzel has also gotten very tired and cranky at school. She gets really exhausted by the weekend and often needs to spend much of it snuggled up with one of her grown-ups. Once Monday comes around, she wants to go back and she has never expressed displeasure or reticence to go after the first day, I think the crankiness is subconscious for her and she isn't always able to articulate that it's physical contact with her parents that she needs. I wonder how this trait will serve her when she becomes a grown-up herself and has hopefully had all of her needs met. I hope it will help her to be empathic and compassionate.

Buggy has absolutely loved her two schools. She screams in joy when she sees her teachers or her school bus (which she takes once a week) and then screams again when she sees mom or dad. She attends the two year old class in one preschool and her teacher reports that she is right on track cognitively with them. I watched her on the first day behind the observation glass and she was comfortable and played the whole time. The other class has her behind on her vision and fine motor, but she loves it and the teacher loves her. I think she spends most of the one day that she is there in various therapies.

Which leaves me for about an hour or so with the little, to whom I have not given a blogname, it's so weird to be in the home with out a brood all the time. No wonder other moms have cleaner homes. I've been able to keep the place 15 minutes from presentability for most of this time. I'm hoping once we have a system down pat that I can actually start doing some things I've been waiting to do (scrapbooking, beading or sewing anyone?). The babe is still taking about 3 naps and is starting to "let go" of the nursing nap, for at least one or two of those naps, so I'm reading less and doing more around the house. It's kind of nice. I'm even getting more time to type. It's perfect timing as my LLL work is going to become a little more time-consuming as I take on an area responsibility that could take me all over the state and I've been trying to get into for over one year.

We're nearing one whole year with a grown-up job and no more grad school. I still often feel like things are going so well in that department that I need to pinch myself. Who knew you could find a place where you could do something that made you feel good, and you could still make enough money to support your family without worrying about your job security.

So that's what we've been up to. It's been a full couple of months. Baby is starting to turn over a full 360. She looks just like the rest of us (who can be surprised with that). My mom was commenting that she looks a lot like I used to at that age, but she also looks tons like J and I've come to the conclusion that once you have as many children as we do, people stop trying to decide which parent she looks more like and instead with each child or the ever-funny "wow! she really belongs in your family doesn't she!" She's so smiley and has J's fake dimples on both sides. You know what I mean, right? J has one real dimple and one "fake" one, meaning, it has a kind of "fold" in the cheek, but it doesn't really look like a "hole" in the muscle. I don't know if that makes sense, but oh well...

We have a bunch of family and friends with babies coming and just shown up. Congrats to all of you! Hopefully you won't have to wait too long to hear from us.

Oh, BTW, if you also want to know what we're up to, come over to ourstory.com and look me up. It's an awesome website with which I'm having tons of fun. Come join me! It's under my "real name" instead of belcantomom. It's probably the only place on the web that is like that. I can keep privacy circles, though, so nobody has access to stuff I don't want them to.

Have a wonderful conference weekend!

This could be long, but it wasn't... (the Birth Story)

2008-05-13T20:54:00.003-06:00

This is the birth story. It is graphic. Please use discretion when reading.

I may write a long post, but realize that in real life, it didn't really take that long. Or maybe, the "long part" didn't last very long. It was actually very quite manageable for most of the labor.

This time, I tried HypnoBabies. As opposed to HypnoBirthing. I used HypnoBirth last time as my doula was the teacher and I got a combined rate with her services and her class. It was good and I learned a bunch. I also *really* needed that doula and she was wonderful. If you are ever at all on the fence about getting one, I highly recommend it. She helped make my VBAC possible.

This time, I was looking for program that was a little more comprehensive and could be done at home. I knew I wanted women with me at the birth, but I wanted *my* women. i wanted my sisters and mom with me. I wasn't sure how I could make that happen, but that's what I wanted. Now that I had my "birthing feet" wet, so to speak, I didn't need so much a trained doula as my own family to support me.

I asked my sister to be my doula, as she has expressed interest in doula-ing and she said she would love to, but as we got closer to the birth, we both realized that it probably wouldn't work out. She is still in the "3 little kids at home" season and a husband that works swings. AS nighttime would be my most likely birthing time, we agreed that if I went into labor from morning to noon, she could come and not at any other time. (hehe, how's that for putting some limits?)

I couldn't ask my other married sister to be with me as she was due with her own little bundle only three weeks before me. So that left my unmarried sis and my mom. I hesitated asking my mom to attend as she had been so nervous with Buggy. It wasn't unwarranted worry; it was to be my first VBA2C and my first homebirth after being told by an MD that not only should I never get pregnant again, but that I would *never* birth vaginally. I understand why he said those things, but even though they were just his opinion, he said them and my mom was worried. Well, as I got closer, I knew that I needed to discuss this with her.

She was wonderful. She said that she would love to attend my birth this time. She did agree that she had been nervous last time, but that she felt I was totally capable of doing this. She felt that I was in capable hands and that I had educated myself well enough and knew what I was getting myself into.

This pregnancy has been very difficult, physically, for me. It was great until that last six weeks or so. (lest you forget, check out some of my earlier posts.) Baby was positioned very wonky and hanging out over my pubic bone. It repositioned my whole pelvis and threw out my back. Which in turn, messed with every ligament and muscle in my pelvic floor. That, my friends, was pain. I could barely walk at all, and most days had little to no walking involved. I started to get very impatient for this little one to arrive as I was tired of carrying all this weight. I couldn't figure out why she wouldn't come. I was having all sorts of labor surges, but nothing would stay for very long. I really felt like she could have been ready, but every time I talked to her, she wasn't ready to come. I slowly tried to reposition her with my surges and kept talking to her to tell her it was okay to come. Finally, I just got so discouraged that I couldn't go any further. I was at the verge of tears for about three days and one day they just wouldn't stop. I finally asked HeaterBoy for a blessing. I knew that I couldn't make it any further without one.

When he gave me the blessing, it was on Mother's day. It was beautiful. He told me to be patient and the baby just wasn't ready. I felt peace and comfort and the Lord knew what I was going through. (HeaterBoy wasn't aware of the extent to which I had gone to get this baby here.) I was finally resigned to a couple more weeks. I felt okay in continuing as I knew that God knew me. He knew my heart and my soul and he knew my baby. It would be okay.

We went to my mom's for dinner as it was "2nd Sunday" when we always go there. I was feeling a little better since the baby was now further "in" my body instead of just hanging out over it. I was having a bunch of surges, but I usually choose not to time them as it is pretty meaningless for me. If I'm really in labor, they'll keep going and get harder; if I'm not, they won't.

I timed them on the way home (for the last twenty minutes) and realized they were coming every eight minutes or so. Of course, once I got ready for bed, they had slowed considerably and I didn't want to get myself all worked up when I was still going to be a while.

While Jared and I were laying in bed, I told him I needed help getting up as I needed to get to the bathroom and right then, like a Pavlovian response, I got wet...all over. When I walked down to the bathroom and continued to drip...all the way to the room, I realized, we were absolutely no longer dealing with pee. :-) But as I was still not convinced I would be going into labor anytime soon, I called my midwife to tell her my water had broken, but didn't anticipate anything imminent and was going to bed to try and rest. I called my mom and told her the same thing. This was about 11:30.

I went back to bed and "did" my hypno cd's and there wasn't much going on. I was able to relax right through my surges without any problems, even though they were starting to wrap around my back. Eventually, I had to pee again, and I didn't like that I was leaking everywhere. I went downstairs and went to the bathroom and then tried sitting on the birth ball for a minute. Quickly, the surges got more businesslike and I realized that I wanted my husband with me. I called him on the phone (we have an intercom feature on our phones) and asked him to come down and time the surges. It seemed like they were coming faster and I didn't want to pay attention to timing. As he timed they required some relaxation to get through, but totally doable. I was still hoping that I could sleep in between, at the very least and wait till morning to have this baby.

I spent a whole water tank in the shower. It felt so good to have the hot water beating down on my back. When it cooled down, I got out and had Boy put the heat pack on my back.

I noticed that I wanted to lean forward on the ball during the surges and when I did, I could feel my cervix opening. I didn't want to believe that's what it was because I hadn't been in labor that long. I kept telling Baby to "come down" and I started to get really shaky. I remembered my midwife telling me that my blood pressure would probably get low during labor (it has in all of my previous births) and last time we "fixed" it by eating sea salt. My surges still weren't any closer than 4 minutes and gauging this labor like last, I still had a long way to go. I wasn't quite ready to call the midwife. I had Boy get me some salt and wake up my sister to make me some miso soup. I also decided to call my mom to come. I knew it could still be a while, but I wanted her there. It was about 3:30. I decided to switch positions kneeling over the ball. As I was there, the surges got a lot more intense and I started to feel a little pushy.

I was probably in transition at this point, but didn't want to really think that as I never really got that, "I can't do this anymore" kind of feeling. The only thing close to it was "I can't do this without that heating pack on my back". I really had to moan with the surges now and I decided to call my midwife. After that, I really needed to go to the bathroom and I told Boy that I needed to go but I didn't want to as that would mean leaving my beloved heat pack and I didn't think I could handle a surge on the toilet...

My amazing husband came with me and the surge was almost unbearable-even with the heat. I decided to go back into the shower as that was comfortable earlier and the water had been sufficiently reheated. I squatted-or tried-and couldn't keep my relaxation going through a couple of those. Then I realized at the peak on a surge that I was pushing and there was nothing anyone could do to stop me. That made me a little nervous as the midwife still wasn't there, but in that instant, I remembered that it took me an hour to push Buggy out.

Once I started pushing, I quickly realized that Baby was going to come *much* quicker than Buggy did. In fact, I could feel her move down the birth canal right then and yelled to Boy to hurry and turn off the water as she was coming out right now and the water was too hot for her. I no longer thought about who wasn't there yet, but just the overwhelming urge to *GET HER OUT*. I roared through those two or three surges.

As I pushed, I remembered at the last minute to feel for her head. Not only was she crowning, but I could feel her head ready to pop out. By that time, Boy was behind me, and I asked him if he could see her. He said he still couldn't but by then I could feel her head come out and the surge ended. I couldn't stand to have that stretching only half over and not do anything until the next one came, so I pushed the rest of her out without the contraction.

My husband caught our baby. My amazing rock of a husband stayed with me and we did it together.

After she was out, I was still squatting and I could hear her scream. He passed her to me and I knelt and held her until the midwife arrived a few minutes later. She screamed so loud that I never had to worry about suctioning her or her color. I was prepared with one of Buggy's sterile bulb syringes and of course, we have oxygen if we needed it. By the time I had the presence of mind to asses her color(about one or two minutes later), she was already *very* pink. Her vernix was so thick, I could barely tell, though.

The kids had wanted to watch the birth and I had told my sister earlier that I only wanted them there for the very end and she was outside the bathroom when all this was taking place. She heard me roar and then she heard the baby cry. She ran upstairs to get the kids, but they barely missed it. They came downstairs about the same time that the midwife arrived.

My midwife got there, kind of shocked that she hadn't even made it. She came into the bathroom and looked us both over. She gave a big smile, and said "You did it!" She helped me to sit down and get a little cleaned off, asked what I needed her to do. Then she checked the cord, which had stopped pulsing, and clamped and cut it. WE washed off a little more and waited a bit for the placenta to come. Then I just wanted to get out, so she helped me to get to the couch with my robe and some chux with the baby. And there, she helped with the shakes while we waited for the placenta.

We called the midwife at 4:00ish and Baby was born at 4:30ish. We waited for 40 minutes for the placenta and when it did come, it was small and very fat. And I was still able to push it out myself. I wasn't so exhausted that I couldn't do that, like I had been last time. After it came out, I felt *so* much better. My mom got there just after the placenta was delivered.

After a while, I felt like I wanted to shower. So hubby and my midwife helped me up and I was able to shower. I put on my own clothes and went and sat on my own couch and snuggled my baby for the rest of the morning.

Since she came so fast, there was no head molding, and I didn't tear or anything. I'm having no problems sitting (except for the sitting trouble I was having before Baby was born, and that's slowly getting better).

I'm exhausted thinking about 4 kids, but we're all healthy and safe. I'm so grateful for a merciful Heavenly Father who knows what is best for me and my family. I'm also grateful that He allows us to choose our own path. I'm grateful to have been entrusted with another beautiful spirit. I hope I can love her as much as she needs and as much as He wants for her.

It's a girl

2008-05-12T05:22:00.000-06:00

period

still going...

2008-04-27T20:41:00.002-06:00

So we're still here. My sister had her baby, and I'm wishing it were me...You know I've never experienced prodromal labor and I think it's really nice as long as it happens to someone else. I know I don't have it nearly as bad as some others, but it's bad enough. This baby is sitting in a weird position that makes moving anywhere very uncomfortable. I didn't know they could sit this low and not fall out. :-)

Enough birth whining. I know I've been pretty emotional his past week, so I'll try not to be today.

I got back from Colorado a little over a week ago and it was amazing. I learned so much. I got a little brain-fried, but it was so refreshing to be in a safe place where people hold relationships valuable and feel it important to be respectful and genuine. Everybody was treated with respect and courtesy while everyone was expected to get their own needs met in the same way. There were only four of us involved in the training, but many LLL Leaders helped to make the few days comfortable for us. The only meals I ate at a "restaurant" were at the airport. It was wonderful.

When I got home, I stayed at moms' as Buggy was coming to SLC for a sedated MRI the next morning. We went all the way to the hospital and they informed us that since Buggy uses a CPAP, she cannot be sedated for this procedure. She has been sedated before, but not with "this drug". Blah, blah, blah, we had to make a new appointment for the following Monday (for which I had *no* babysitter) to go under general anesthesia. Intubation for a "routine" MRI/MRA. Let's just say that no one was particularly thrilled with this development. HeaterBoy was able to go with us and my wonderful visiting teacher took the olders. they tell you that they will be back to normal in 12-24 hours. miss Buggy was the most cranky I have ever seen her. It did not end in 12-24 hours. She is still crankier than I have ever seen her. She is yelling, pulling hair (both others and her own), scratching faces, and throwing in even more yelling for good measure.

When I was lamenting the poor week we had had to her speech path, she was afraid to tell me that for kids with neuro impairment can take weeks for general to totally leave their systems. Lovely. At least we have a reason for the crankiness. I was afraid it was something else, and I would have to figure it out.

Of course, Friday night, she got all snotty, and we have been doing extra "jiggly vest" treatments and lots of extra suctioning, and then last night the rest of us came down with it. I was actually hoping it wasn't a bug, but just residual from the anesthesia, but apparently not. :-P

It's in my chest now and heartburn along with sore throat is not so much fun. (sorry, little pregnancy whine still) We slept most of the day away and my sister made a wonderfully nourishing soup for us.

the garden is slowly getting worked for the Spring. It's so exciting to have such a big plan for the summer. I hope we can continue it.

That's us for now. Frodo is reading up a storm and he's gotten Rapunzel hooked on the same series. Good thing that we can continue school into the summer. It makes me feel not so bad.

Finally...a glimmer of hope...

2008-04-08T21:38:00.002-06:00

We went to a clinic visit today with the sleep pulmonologist to discuss Buggy's latest tests. He showed us the CT of her chest and the absolute lack of huge permanent disease. There is some scarring, but no "syndrome". He also listened to her and said that she is clearer than has has ever heard.

We finally got her "jiggly vest" which is a "high frequency compression" vest that they get for kids with cystic fibrosis to help clear their airways. She tolerates it sooo much better than CPT (pounding on her chest and postural drainage) and I feel like it is more effective. I was really afraid of the insurance approving it as it is so expensive (think new car expensive) but I was reminded by another mother whose child has this apparatus, if it keeps her out of the hospital just once, then it has just about paid for itself.

We have also been giving the prevacid and I hope that is helping as well. We won't be able to see any GI dr until July , but we might be able to strongarm them if we go back to our general surgeon and have some more tests done to solidify the reflux/aspiration dx. He will probably agree when he finds out about the swollen larynx and surrounding tissues.

Hopefully, the chiro will have addressed the hernia and it won't need to be repaired, but even if it does, he can maybe keep it in place instead of having it slip out which happens to many kids with this kind of hernia.

J and I talked about how we hadn't really noticed it because it was gradual, but Buggy's breathing is much more quiet than it used to be. Something I've noticed recently is that living with a child that has multiple disabilities sometimes blinds you to those disabilities. I know she has them, I just forget because she is who she is, and it takes an outside source to remind me that her way of swallowing or the way she forms words is not "typical" because it's how *she* does it.

On the baby front, I think I may be finally eradicating my infection. My midwife thought it was already in my kidneys before we caught it, but I can't tell, my pregnant UTI's tend to be asymptomatic. (If you're going to have a UTI, wouldn't you rather it be that way? :-) ) I'm leaving for Colorado on Sunday and just hoping that the contractions are well-enough under control that the pressure changes of flying won't send me into labor. As long as she waits until I'm home, then we're fine...a little early, but fine.

I brought out the baby diapers and all of us are so excited to have someone that is small enough to fit into these tiny little confections. I love cute newborn diapers. It almost makes me sad that we want to try EC, but I'm sure there will still be plenty of opportunity for diaper wearing.

Anyway, if you're still with me (sorry this was so long), I'm glad you liked my tag. This week is shaping up to be pretty good. I loved Conference. I'm glad that I live in a place where I have access to all five sessions live. Listening on the radio is not easy with little ones, but it's still doable, and we borrowed omi and opi's TV so that we could watch some of it...who knew the Valley Channel would have some, but not all of the sessions? It was fuzzy, but watchable. :-)

Have a wonderful week!

hee hee, a tag....

2008-04-05T20:43:00.002-06:00

So I read this spouse tag put up by an old neighbor and I thought, how cheesy...

Little did I know that only two short weeks later, I would be tagged with it from a totally different circle of acquaintances. So Andrea, here it is... :-)

How did you meet your spouse? It's even cheesier than playing spouse tag. We met in high school. I was fifteen and he was seventeen. I first noticed him when he was chosen to play Conrad Birdie in "Bye Bye Birdie". He was the older brother of someone who was in my larger circle of friends. We actually started getting to know each other when we went to choir tour my sophomore year. His friends let me hang out with them (he was one of those who only hung out with girls). We didn't start dating until the next spring, really. The end of my junior year.

Where did you go on your first date? We went to a SPEBSQSA concert. It was supposed to be "research" for a quartet that Jared was putting together and everyone had dates except for the lead. The funny part was that he didn't realize he was the only one without a date and when we all sat down, he sat in between Jared and me. When I casually mentioned that we were on a date at the intermission, he felt really embarrassed and switched us places so I could sit next to Jared. I thought it was hilarious.

How long have you been together? We generally count when we "hooked up" at choir tour to be the start of our "togetherness" (I know, how cheesy can you get?) so we've been together since Spring of '95. That would be 13 years! Aack! Am I really that old?

Who eats more? Jared. He also eats faster, which amazed me when we first started dating as I had always previously been the first one done eating at social engagements. Although, if you count lactating, I certainly eat more than your average large male. :-)

Who said I love you first? I don't remember if we said it at all before the mission. I don't think so. If that's the case, then I said it first. It wasn't nearly as awkward as I was fearing it would be. It also wasn't a phrase that either one of us used often before engagement.

Who sings better? Well, considering we got to know each other in Madrigals, I'm not sure that's a fair question. I've had more training, but that doesn't mean I have more talent. He's the one that's still singing in the community.

Who is smarter? Jared. Whenever I want to know something, I just ask him. It wasn't until we had been married a couple of years that I realized that when he didn't know the answer to a question I had asked, he just made it up, deadpan. Now, he just tells me he doesn't know...usually. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a dunce. I can hold my own in a philosophical conversation, I just don't retain info like he can.

Who does the laundry? Are you kidding! That's why we had kids...

Who does the dishes? Jared. Unless we have a nanny-which we do right now. Very early in the division of labor you call a honeymoon, we discovered that he hates the ookiness of toilets and I hate the monotony of dishes. Those are two chores that have always been defined. I do the toilets and he does the dishes.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Jared always has until Belen came into bed with us after her trach came out. The "kid" bed is on "my" side (the left) and I just couldn't sleep always checking for her breathing. It was emotionally exhausting spending all day and all night with her, so Jared graciously accepted a switch. Temporarily. Now that the new one is coming and Belen sleeps with her sibs, I'm ready to switch back.

Who pays the bills? I always did that as well, until Belen had been home for a few months. Jared saw how much it was stressing me out and he took over. I have never felt so free. I am a control freak and I didn't think I could ever relinquish control of the money, but it feels so good. I just ask him how much I have and I spend away! I think I'm also better about impulse buys this way. Before, I would just buy it anyway and then feel guilty about it and now I don't have to.

Who mows the lawn? Jared does, usually. I'm allergic to grass. But last year, when he was so busy with school, I would sometimes help him out. Not enough to make anyone believe that I did it regularly, but occasionally.

Who cooks dinner? Mostly Jared (are you starting to see a pattern here? I have an amazing husband). When we were first married, I didn't know how to cook. Now that I'm a little better, I don't cook while I'm pregnant or the first few months of a new baby. I justify it by saying to myself that Jared likes to cook and he likes to work with his hands, so it's okay. I keep hoping that someday, I'll have an amazing change of heart and actually love to cook.

Who drives when you are together? Jared. He gets carsick really easy and I don't really like to drive. In fact, driving on the constructionized freeway has turned into one of my triggers for panic attacks. I know I'll need to deal with it eventually. For now though, I'll just leave it up to him or public transportation.

Who is more stubborn? I know I'm a princess and often push too hard to get my way. I hope it's gotten at least slightly better over the years.

Who is the first to admit when they’re wrong? I'm not sure about that one. Both of us are pretty quick to say "I'm sorry".

Whose parents do you see the most? Mine, they live closer and we have the first grandchildren on that side.

Who kissed who first? heehee. Jared kissed me after a date and it was the funniest kiss. I could see his brother watching us through the window. Incidentally, it was his FIRST KISS EVER. He said, it had never come up with other girls. The first kiss after the mission was the most smashing first kiss I have ever experienced!

Who proposed? That, I suppose, is up for debate. I'm convinced it was him. He keeps telling everyone it was me. He officially never really asked. Anyway, funny story, you decide who is telling the truth ;-)

Who has more friends? I do. Jared thinks it's my responsibility to keep "our" social life going...

Who has more siblings? Jared has way more. I come from 5 and Jared has 8 siblings.

Who wears the pants in the family? What does that mean, really? Who's in charge? If that's the case, we each have different areas that we are responsible for. I don't think that one of us is really "in charge". Of course, if you ask Jared, he'll give the standard "I wear the pants, because Karin lets me..."

Well, since this one is kind of weird, I'll let those that like these questions to pick up the tag. How about it, Nicole? Doreen? Does anyone else even read my blog?

Amazing...

2008-03-20T13:21:00.002-06:00

I was able to be at the birth of a very good friend last night and it was simply amazing. She asked me there on the pretense of taking photos and helping if the kids woke up, but I don't think I did a very good job at that. Her husband got up the older to watch the actual birth and the younger didn't want to leave her dad's lap when she woke up. And I don't think *anyone* would ever mistake me for a good photographer, but I hope I got enough pics for her. Her midwife was wonderful and she did such a good job. I hope at least, that I wasn't a hindrance. Once I got there, she only had about 1 1/2 hours left before baby slid out. But I knew the end would be fast based on her previous births. I spent the afternoon outside with her and our kids as her surges picked up and she was still doing really well. When I got the call during date night (we were watching the movie "Jumper") I still wasn't sure how much time we had as she had a conversation with me that lasted several minutes and she was able to talk the whole time. Then she called as I was on my way over and I knew we would see the baby before midnight.

I have now been privileged to be a part of one homebirth and watch another. One thing that strikes me is the peaceful way that everything is handled. It was spiritual and intimate and serene, even though work is being done. No rushing around, no yelling, just quiet encouragement and warm conversations. One of the things that a lot of moms preparing for homebirth or unmedicated birth is try to watch as many births as possible. I've noticed in one of my watching binges, that I need to turn some of the videos off because it feels too intimate to be watching. Almost like a voyeur or peeping tom. this too felt very intimate but not wrong as I had been invited into the birth nest. It was an honor.

Women need to see THIS kind of birth. Young women who have never given birth need to be present at their mother's, sisters, aunt's and friends births to see the kind of power and ability in birth. They need to be invited to the birth nest of people to whom they are very close to witness what their bodies are capable of. Women who have lost faith in their bodies and women who haven't need to take care of each other and support each other and be a part of one another's birthing. That is the only way we can ever hope to fix what has happened in our culture. Now I am not advocating a large crowd at unmedicated births, I mean, birthing women are working hard and need to concentrate. With Buggy, I know that I didn't want anyone there but my midwife, doula, and husband. I also feel that this birth I want my "Womenfolk" around me. I want my sisters at my birth. I want women that I love and that love me to be there and lend support. Not a bunch of people, but a few loved ones around me.

I didn't mean to write a soapbox, but maybe I needed to. It was just so *right* to see that little family welcome a new member and fall in love last night. That's how it is supposed to happen.

Congrats, Doreen!

and now for the bummer news...

2008-03-10T12:18:00.002-06:00

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. Sorry abut that.

Frodo has started scouts and absolutely loves it. He's now had has second pack meeting and just can't wait to show us what he spends all of his time on. He loves being with boys that he met in school and having something that is just his own. He's also found some book series that he is just eating up.

Rapunzel just turned 5! Omi and opi took her to Disneyland with her cousin and they had a blast. Since they have now started the "tradition of Disneyland at 4 or 5" in two years they will be taking three grandchildren...one of which is buggy. They're a little nervous at that prospect and proposed that all of the parents attend with their children. At least they are thinking ahead. :-)

We spent Thursday at Primary's with the some bad (and good news)...we now know why Buggy's lungs are so bad. Unfortunately, it's because she is refluxing into them and aspirating into them. That is very bad. We thought the reflux would go away even if the nissen failed. Apparently not.

We took this news much harder than I thought we would. I realized that it's because of our expectations. We have spent so long trying not to make any expectations for Buggy because nobody ever seemed to know what would happen with her. Now that we are getting ready for school and she is fully into toddlerhood, we allowed ourselves to form some expectations. Maybe even some high hopes.

When I was given the news that the dr was recommending going NPO (absolutely no food by mouth) for at least 6 weeks and maybe even longer, I just wanted to cry. I've been crying for most of the weekend. Of course, we could always go against his recommendations, but I watched the test and know that it wouldn't be a good idea. I don't want to be fatalist about it, but kids who eat like Buggy does, often get pneumonia and sometimes die from that kind of pneumonia. Luckily, we've been able to catch it quickly every time, but every time she gets it, new scarring forms in her lungs.

Her sleep pulmonologist wants us to rethink surgery about her hernia, and we may have to. The problem with that, is one surgery leads to many, many others. Failure rates for surgery like this are very high and very invasive. So much for growing out of the need for drs.

So that's the gist of the last week. We've managed to stay healthy this whole winter, mostly, and I'm planning a trip to Denver in about a month (yes, yes, check the ticker, that means at 35 weeks gestation I will be flying...) We're pretty good, considering.

Have a wonderful "Spring Break"!

new milestones

2008-01-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

Buggy had *2* therapy appointments today and she astounded us at both of them. She has started to make verbal approximations when she is "talking" to us. Today she made several more and is even understood by her Speech therapist. We have some new goals for using her speech board and articulating better. She played some great pretend and used some new signs and approximations during the session.

After that, we went to Cache Kids and she had OT. She was coloring in circles (has only done horizontal lines up to this point) and even identified and colored pictures when directed. Two months ago she was tested in identifying pictures and she could not do it at all. We were working with her as if she had a visual processing problem. Today she identified eight pics correctly and then identified body parts on a hand-drawn person. Once she was "helped" by cuing to visually scan rather than just point to the first pic she saw, she identified them all correctly. she has *never* done this. I know this may not seem like a big deal for most kids and, for most kids this happens without us even knowing when, but for Buggy, this is huge. This has repercussions with her communication as well as vision. I had no idea we would see any improvement on this front, let alone improvement this quickly.

She is "finding her footing" and walking more and more. She has such motivation to be moving in the same manner as her siblings and friends around her. I finally have a new neuro appt along with a chest CT and a FEES evaluation. It turns out that one of the resident neuros is now an attending. We met her on her first rotation through neuro and she was one of Buggy's dr's on her first foray in PCMC. When she had to stay again for a month the next spring, this neuro got to see her again. She's really nice and I'll be interested to hear what she has to say.

I'm finding it harder and harder to keep up with Buggy and the rest of the kids. I'm getting wicked tired about the time that the kids and Buggy have caught their second wind of the day (right after nap time, of course). I also notice that if I do too much, I am sooo sore for the rest of the day and I can't even get up off the couch. People are still raising their eyebrows when i tell them I am 5 months pregnant..."Are you sure there's only one in there?" and other such comments are common. Aah well, I will never be one of those cute little mamas that only ever gain 15 pounds and it's all inside of the ribs. So far, this baby has been much more demure in her movements.

Rapunzel is playing princess every chance she gets. She loves to dress up and wear her jewelry. Frodo is continuing to impress outsiders with his vast amount of trivia that he loves to share. He's also learning new jokes and riddles thanks to omi's book collection and he is loving the Magic Tree house books. They are all excited for the new baby and they hug and kiss my belly in anticipation.

When I think about my young growing family and my beautiful kids I often get overwhelmed and worry about their/our future. Then i remember Sister Beck's amazing talk in Women's Conference this last year and I find strength. I know that we are where we are supposed to be. It gives me hope and purpose.

why it's been so long...

2007-12-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

hehe, you think I'm actually going to explain my absence? I've got no excuses except for my old standby. Once again, my body reminds me that I was *not* made for multitasking. If I'm gestating, that's about all I can do. After a short visit to the ER (silly protocols about 20-weekers), life has been much more predictable. I have to take it easy, but my body *is* doing its correct job.

I'm loving the new job and its flexibility.

I'm looking forward to having my sister and her friend move in and help me.

I've picked up some old knitting.

We spent almost six days traveling with family for the first time in years.

We're still healthy (this is actually the most incredible, especially after reading this post here.

And if you don't ever check my sidebar, I really encourage you to click on top pick of my shared files (it's labeled funny things from my friends). It's a post from someone on one of my g-tube groups that explained some things for me. It's a nice story about parents of children with special needs and how we relate to "other" parents.

Anyway...those are my bullet points. Maybe I'll fill it in, or maybe I'll post sooner enxt time. I even have some pics from Christmas that I might make HeaterBoy put up.

ps. We're having another girl...

hehe, what's a tag?

2007-11-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

So, I only read a handful of blogs. But I still managed to get tagged anyway. :-) I know it's because some of my friends (thanks KM!) also only read a handful of blogs and don't have a huge group of people to tag. ;-)

So here goes:

Five things I Was Doing Ten Years Ago
1. sending a cute boy on a mission
2. Writing to HeaterBoy
3. spending my first year at Weber State (2nd year in college)
4. learning about myself and my relationship with my family of origin (does that ever end?)
5. getting ready to perform at a Christmas concert

Five things on my Life To Do List
1. make my own clothes from the raw materials I have grown
2. learn how to run a small hobby farm
3. empower women and mothers (or rather, help them to see that they already are :-) )
4. learn how to dance
5. learn how to weave

Five things I'd do if I was a Millionaire
1. STM was right, this won't go as far as I'd like, but...I'll buy a house...Modest and fits our needs, with cash
2. try to save the rest until somebody needs it. J and I can never find a shortage of good causes to donate to or support. (this will be my sub-list as I only did two things...)
A. LLL
B. Local business owners struggling to make ends meet
C. sustainable mom and pop operations
D. ICAN
E. Primary Children's Medical Center
F. any number of birth/family advocates

Five Things I'd Never Do Again
1. Ignore my gut-feelings (this one copied from KM, but totally applies for me as well)
2. Yell at my husband
3. stick my foot in my mouth by saying something totally inappropriate and rude (if only my foot didn't want to reside in that general vicinity, it would be easier).
4. allow (or rather, forcefully put)foreign chemicals into my body without first questioning the risks and benefits of said chemical.
5. question somebody's wisdom and education in having more than three or four kids. Or most childbearing decisions...

Five Favorite Toys
1. computer
2. spinning wheel
3. paper trimmer
4. jewelry tweezers/pliers
5. itunes (does software count as a toy?)

Five Things I've Read Recently
1. Warprize
2. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
3. instructions on lung drainage postures
4. the ensign
5. pediatric drug dosages

Five of My Favorite Smells

1. newborn babes (also copied from KM, but does any body not like this smell?)
2. my husband (no really, it made me marry him. and sans cologne or aftershave is best...(sniff) aah, it makes me want him home:-) )
3. rain
4. fresh oranges
5. the absence of rotavirus ;-)

And now, Tag, you're it!!
Five People I'm Tagging...are there five people who read my blog?
1. Nicole
2. Dirtius Wifius
3. Sarah in NYC
4. Tola
5. anybody else who reads my blog... ;-)

Hospitals on the Holiday

2007-11-26T16:16:00.000-07:00

So we're out. Buggy ended up spending 6 days in the hospital this time and it looks like we are finally finding some solutions to her long term health. They're not easy or fun, but it might keep her out of the hospital for longer next time. I posted a few times on Carepage, but I didn't make it to post this page, sorry. We now have three holidays at Primary's. :-)

The stress was so much better this time because J didn't have to go anywhere this week and we still had our nanny to help him out. I didn't have to worry about the big kids or what the house would look like when I got home. We may also be able to re-evaluate how we do the hospital thing as J now has a computer that he can work on in the hospital, so especially when the new babe comes, we may have J stay with Buggy instead of me. Now that she's a little older, he's the one that she wants anyway. She kept asking for him while we were stuck i isolation. (BTW, rotavirus stinks)

Joining the World of the Employed...

2007-11-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

So J left yesterday for his first training trip. He's in Texas until Friday night. I'm not sure how I'll cope being a single parent for a week, but I guess it's baptism by fire, right? So far, Buggy seems to be having the hardest time. She spent about 1/2 hour crying for Daddy this morning.

We'll be meeting with the sleep pulmonologist this Friday. I was really hoping that HeaterBoy could be there for that appointment, but I guess I'll have to do it alone. We have lots of questions for these docs and hopefully they will have some theories that will help us to get Buggy's lungs healthier. She is taking more and more steps independently. if the distance is small enough and she thinks she can make it, she will sure try. It makes for some funny falls, but she's getting better at those too. She is protecting her head better and getting faster at her motor patterns. We're getting ready for her new IFSP (service plan for Early Intervention) so we're going to be meeting with people we rarely see this month to get her all tested for that.

This morning the nurse came and she was surprised to see how well B is doing. She seems to do a lot of surprising. :-)

I've been chewing gum the past couple of weeks to keep from feeling like I'm two seconds away from vomiting. It's been working great...until two days ago. All of a sudden, my teeth started to get really sensitive while I was chewing, like I had a cavity. I got kind of freaked out, so I'm not chewing unless it gets really bad. It's also a good thing that we will have dental coverage soon. :-)

So that's our life this week. The kids had fun at Halloween, and so did HeaterBoy. Of course, I didn't take any photos. I have the cutest scrapbook pages and nothing to put in them. Such is life.

More News!

2007-10-18T22:30:00.000-06:00

Okay, okay, enough with the news already. Our family seems to be in such upheaval, I'm amazed I make it out of bed every day. :-P No, but eally, somehow it doesn' feel as if we;re under a lot of stress, it feels as if so much stress has been removed.

drumroll...

HeaterBoy has a real-live, grown-up job! He tried for a job about six weeks ago and we just came to the conclusion that it's time for our family to be grown-ups. 9 years of school is great fun, but it's time for a new chapter. Well, that job came and went, we thought, and Boy started looking for other opportunities in his new chosen field that wold utilize his very expensive nine years of university education and we came up with some great career fits.

Before we could really start cranking out the resumes, the original company called back and they offered the high end of what we wanted our starting salary to be. Talk about relief. I mean, who really *likes* to look for a job.

So this new job has absolutely nothing to do with biochemistry, but everything to do with web programming, which is what HeaterBoy has been "messing around" with since we were married. All this time, I thought it was great he had found a "hobby" that was relatively cheap (fly-fishing anyone?)and he could justify all his time on the computer. Turns out he can actually make money doing what he's been playing around with for years. I'm so proud of him and I'm also excited that we might be able to buy a house sometime this decade.

It will be lots of traveling, so I'm not super excited about that, but we've budgeted for "compensations" and "coping strategies" so it'll work. The rest of the time, he gets to work from home! Doesn't that sound fun? Of course, I'll have to get used to "daddy's home, but he can't play with us, or help with the laundry, or make lunch, or do homeschool work, etc" but it's a switch I think I can make.

Here's to impending adulthood!

My weekend

2007-10-16T11:45:00.000-06:00

So I spent last weekend with my sweet husband's cousin and his wife in Sacramento.I had an LLL conference and I was trying to save money, so I threw out to HeaterBoy "Do we know anyone in Sacramento?" He said his cousin lived there, and we emailed him. He and his wife were so gracious and kind that they made my stay such a wonderful experience. I was a little worried about how I would transport myself to and from the conference hotel. Brett's wife, Andrea, was able to drive me to and from on each of my conference days. It was wonderful.

The conference was amazing! I am so motivated and want to learn everything I can about positive communication and building relationships. I'd love to talk about with anyone who will listen...(hint, hint) :-)

A bit of News...

2007-10-07T22:19:00.000-06:00

so, in case you were wondering...Check out my new widget. :-) As if we didn't already have enough on our plate, we're going to throw something new into the mix.

Seriously, as I've listened, first to the General RS meeting and then again this weekend, I have a calm that what we're doing is right. I still don't know how, but that's never concerned Heavenly Father before. Everything will work out, it always does. This may not be the path for someone else, but I know it's the right path for our family. Have fun watching the widget grow!

October and General Conference...

2007-10-04T10:07:00.000-06:00

Although I look forward to General Conference and October is the most beautiful time on Cache Valley, this time of year is kind of hard for me. It's the anniversary of a "great and terrible" day for me. The actual date of Buggy's LTE (medical jargon for Life Threatening Event) was October 2nd, but it was the Sunday of conference, so I often remember the "traditions" regarding the day more than the date itself. So I compromised and decided to write about it today as I may be too wiped out to write about it on Conference days.

B was a beautiful baby. She smiled early and was so very social. She helped my body prepare and heal for her birth. It was the most amazing pregnancy in terms of talking to her and getting to know her before she was born. We never had any ultrasounds, but we had her female name picked out by the time I was 4 months along. I *knew* she was a girl. I also knew some other things about her. I knew that she had agreed to take on some additional challenges while on earth...challenges of the physical kind. I assumed I knew which ones, but I was wrong. I knew that she would need lots of extra care. I was kind of weirded out by the knowledge and so I didn't tell anybody about it until my due date came and went and my midwife (who is amazingly intuitive) said, "you're body won't go into labor. You're scared abut something and you need to talk to J about it." That propmpted me to tell my midwife abnd then my dear sweet husband. Neither one laughed or dismissed my feelings. They both discussed and supported me and hubby said so matter-of-factly "well, we've already talked about taking a child with special needs into our home and what that would mean for us in terms of treatment. Karin, we already know what we're going to do if that happens." He was amazing.

When she was born healthy, I was confused. I thought her problem was a specific birth defect (or several) and she was perfectly healthy. I even went to the ped the day after her birth so that he could check her out. Both of my other kids had heart murmurs at birth, so then I thought maybe that was it. When the doc listened to her, he also listened to her fontanels. He had a rare blood vessel malformation in his own brain that ruptured while he was on his mission. It was very traumatic for him and even though it is very, very rare, he still listens to baby fontanels in the hope of catching one early. I politely declined the gonorrhea eye drops and the hep shot, but allowed the vitamin K. I was planning to refuse all, and didn't know why I had caved about the vitamin K. He pronounced everything to be great. We took her home and fell in love. She was so calm, but she often cried in the evening. Her color was also very different from the other children. She looked very red. I wondered if her skin would end up to be the same color as her dad. We had planned to try ECing her when she was about six weeks old. I was too tired to try it from the beginning, but we had already caught a few pees.

After Conference on Sunday, I was nursing her in bed, trying to get her down for a short nap. I don't think she had slept well that afternoon. She was nursing, but fussy, like she couldn't quite settle down, you know that cry, right? All of a sudden, she completely unlatched and her cry changed to a piercing, very pain-filled cry.

And then she stopped breathing.

You never know how you're going to react in an emergency, whether calm or panicky, until it happens. I'm still not sure if I was as productive as I could have been. I wasn't thinking about that. I was just thinking I had to get my baby breathing again, and fast. I tried giving her a couple of breaths while I yelled for J to come. He was just in the next room, so he had no idea what was happening. I almost threw B at him and said "Breathe for her!" and I called 911. The operator was less than helpful. She seemed about a s stunned as I was ( I didn't realize until later that she was probably just a college student with likely none of the training that "normal" 911 operators have). She still hadn't started breathing and I knew from my own preemie CPR training that if she didn't breathe soon, we were going to need to start CPR. I tried to find a carotid pulse. There was none. I now know that you can't generally find a babies carotid pulse. You have to use a brachial (on the arm) pulse because their necks are too chubby.

I started CPR and told J to find a neighbor for a blessing. I didn't want anyone else near my baby. I didn't remember the number of compressions just that it was a high number as compared to adults. And faster. I took her out to the living room so I could lay her on the floor and we could find a neighbor. I left the operator hanging on the line because she didn't want me to hang up, but I knew B needed a blessing ASAP.

He found a neighbor whom we hardly knew and he came up and helped my husband bless our dying baby. I don't remember much of what was said, except that she wasn't supposed to die right then. What I remember was the change in the feeling fo the room. There was still pain and desperation, but now there was also comfort and love. It was almost as if a bubble had come around us and was cocooning our little family. The big kids started to get really concerned when they saw the blood coming out of B's nose and mouth and so I sent them outside and an insightful neighbor herded them up and took them to her house to pray and call the bishop. There were lots of people enjoying the wonderful weather outside so all knew that something was terribly wrong.

The wife of the neighbor who helped with the blessing said later that her husband came back ashen and said that he didn't think the baby was okay. he said, I think she might not be breathing. His wife assured him that probably wasn't true, but the neighbors slowly gathered up and huddled around each other waiting for news. That was when the police and eventually the paramedics came. When the police officer arrived, I asked him if he knew baby CPR and he assured me that he did, but I still wouldn't let him near my baby. I was the only one who could work on her. I never stopped the CPR. Her lungs had somehow filled with fluid and the air just wasn't making it in to her lungs, but I continued with back blows to try and clear some of it and CPR.

When the paramedics got there they cut her onesie away and started working on her. They couldn't get a single IV line into her and they sure tried a bunch. They shocked her a few times and when she was stable enough to transfer to the hospital they loaded her up. J followed in the car and i went in the ambulance. They had me sitting up front. Now that I've been in an ambulance countless times with B, I think they put me up there to keep me from getting too scared. They also had everyone in the back working on her. Since then, I have never ridden in the front. The whole time they were there, I knew that my life was going to have a big change. Our family was never going to be the same, regardless of what the end of the story was. That's a surreal feeling.

The ER did everything they could and there were people all over doing tests to figure out what had happened, why she had stopped breathing, they were also mighty quick about bringing in a social worker. I knew from past experience that that is a really bad sign. I already knew we were not in a good place. the Respiratory therapist was amazing and tireless in staying with B. Even when others ran around the room and took turns with her, he never left her side. The social worker then told us that if she ever needed one, he was the RT that she would choose. then she also divulged that he was her uncle and he would try his very hardest to make sure that she survived his watch.

They had to shock her several times while waiting for the life flight. When they were doing an MRI they found the problem. A cerebellar AVMwas the cause of all of this.

They wouldn't let either one of us in the helicopter as they needed all the room for hospital personnel, but our bishop drove us down to SLC as neither of us was in any position to be driving for that long. The neurosurgeon told us that only 10% of people survive the first 24 hours of an injury as severe as B's. He tied to be compassionate while still making the gravity of the situation clear for us. the PICU doctors were not focusing on her brain at all at that point. Her lungs were so ill that she needed a tremendous amount of support just to breathe. We never left her alone for about two weeks. One of us was always at her bedside.

I couldn't bear to leave her side even for a minute just in case something happened. I knew her life could be short and I didn't want to miss any of it. They kicked us out of the PICU during shift change, but we always had someone with her every other time. this was difficult because we had our two other children to care for and Rapunzel was still very young. She nursed all the time still. We had decided that we needed the children with us in case B died. We needed to be a family during this trial. My parents stayed with them at my grandparents home five minutes from the hospital for the first few days. As B held on, we realized that we could be at the hospital for months. They have a few RV pads for people there long term and my parents lent us their RV and that's where we all lived for that stay in the hospital.

Tht first day as I contemplated losing B, I would start to get lost in my sea of pain...I just kept thinking "No God could ask this twice of a mother. No loving Father in Heaven would ask a mother to lose two children." But as soon as I thought that, I would be swallowed up by such a feeling of peace as I had never experienced. J and I spent many nights crying in each other's arms, uncertain of the future, but knowing that, even in our grief, we would be taken care of. We both felt very much like the grief we were feeling was real and we needed to experience it, but that we were constantly being encircled in the arms of God. It's almost like a child when something goes wrong and your universe is falling apart and then mom takes you into her lap and just lets you cry. It still hurts. It's still real. It's still painful, but somehow there is an extra measure of strength, that whatever it is, you will face it together.

We had many blessings that month. J and I along with B and the other kids. J and I knew that this was B's trial. This was the new body that she had accepted before she came here. As much as this is painful for a parent to watch, this is not about me. It is about her and the things she will learn and teach others. I'm not a big believer in Saturday's Warrior doctrine, but I know that B agreed to do this and we agreed to help her.

Sometimes I wonder if people can tell by looking at her if she's special. I know, I can see, but can others? I think many who work with her and are watching for it can see. She has influenced many on her short journey already. She has gone with three missionaries (one uncle to Chile, one aunt to Japan and another uncle to Dominican Republic) as they needed stories of faith and strength, they would tell about her. People the world over have "met" her and prayed for her. At one time, I think we counted that her name was in about 15 temples, placed by different people in their spot of the world.

I am awed by the opportunity I have to be her mother. To facilitate her growth and bring her to meet those that she may be able to help.

Happy Life day, B!

I Hope they Call me On a Mission...

2007-10-02T23:01:00.000-06:00

So my sister is getting home tomorrow. I hope she's been life-changed and that she won't forget it soon. I hope my kids don't get bored of Auntie Chicken's Japan stories and I hope she never gets tired of telling them. I'm almost offended when people talking about "getting back to normal" after a mission. I mean, do you really want to after an experience like that? Should you? Why can't you incorporate the new you into life AM (after mission).

For as long as I can remember my dad has been telling stories about the mission; he's told his life story in the context of PM and AM. It used to bug me. not anymore. Maybe I'm jealous that I never got to go. I have to live vicariously through my friends and relatives who have gone. I know that I've made the right decisions for me and they were in the right time, but back when Heater boy and I were dating, he said that he promised himself that he would encourage every person with the opportunity to go to take that chance. He even offered to wait for me. If I hadn't already received my own personal answer, that would have been mighty tempting. As it is, I have a hard time waiting for my season to go on a mission with my husband.

Speaking of seasons...it's time for our season of school to be over. Dh had declared his intent with his advisor and his course of study has officially been changed. As of December, we will no longer be students and my husband will have an MS in biochemistry. We're a little nervous where this road will take us, but we know that Heavenly Father will take care of us...He always does. He has tried for a couple of jobs and is looking for more opportunities to get his resume out there. Right now, he is looking in software and database web applications in companies with a chemistry leaning, but he's also looking for teaching jobs at jr. colleges or anything else that will fit his expertise. He's multi-skilled if you don't already know him and I'm sure he'll find something that is perfect for us.

Buggy is taking small steps from one piece of furniture to another and it's so wonderful to watch. Her sleep study apparently went terribly, but her pulmonologist went out of town for the week, so we won't be able to actually talk to her for a few days. I'm just hoping to make it through the winter without any major pneumonia fights. If there's anything we don't need right now, it's extra time in the hospital. Of course, now that I've said that, we'll be there for several weeks soon.

We've decided that it's time for us to again approach the idea of adopting. We started paperwork just before we got pregnant with Buggy and when we discovered the news, adoption went on the back burner, but it's time to put it back on the front burner. (Sorry, that was worded poorly) We're not sure how it's going to work out, we just know that we need to get started with it.

Hope everyone has a lovely Wednesday!

The Joys of Teaching Your Own Children...

2007-09-20T14:03:00.000-06:00

So the kids were having "project day" and Zeke decided that they were going to do something related to Ancient Egypt, his favorite subject matter right now. They found their book on the people who built the pyramids and then they disappeared into the bathroom. Now I knew that this generally means some kind of makeup/dressup debacle, but it was so much better when they came out.

They both had green penciled around their eyes ("mom, kohl was black or green") Zeke had removed his shirt and they were both wearing towels safety pinned into kilt-style. then they proceeded to make big huge dangly earrings out of paper and taped them to their ears. :-) We ended up going to Belen's physical therapy looking like this. :-)

I love seeing history come alive for Zeke and Abish and I love watching him read until there's no more light to read with. The path we've chosen is definitely not the easiest, but I know it's right for us. I also know that any parent who wants to can do the same thing. No one knows how to make a child excited about something better than his/her parents.

Someone from our homeschool email group sent a link to a youtube video of a 20/20 clip about education in America's schools. I won't lkink to it here, because I wasn't impressed, but I'm sure you could do a search and find it if you really wanted to. It was supposed to be about how stupid America's students were and how awful our education system is. Chaos was rampant and drugs and violence were everywhere. Anyway, after I had been watching a while, it became clear it was just a thinly veiled pro-voucher piece that also had some very pointed remarks as to the harm that the National Teacher's Union is doing (which is rather surprising as the Union is a very strong lobby as I understand it and has a lot of pull with generally liberal media). I could be way off base here, but that was a blow I was not expecting to see. After it became clear that the piece had it's own way of solving the education problem, I had a hard time finishing it. Couldn't there be another way to fix the system than just using vouchers? They kept talking about the choices available to Eropean parents and all of the schools they could choose to put their children in. Forgive me, but I thought most Governments in Western Europe ran ALL of the schools, not just most of them. Giving parents a choice between s "state-run" public school and a "state-run" private school doesn't sound like a whole lot of choice to me.

Enough venting. somebody correct me if I'm wrong. I'd like to know your opinions.

2007-09-02T21:06:00.000-06:00

So finally, We got some extra memory and I can post photos! (I hope this works.)

These are the woolen things that I turned in for the fair. Nobody knew where to put them. They stuck the longies under "handmade boy's trousers" and the other in "baby other". I laughed. They are both handspun. The longies are some waste from spinderella plied with BFL (that's Blue-faced Leicester for the unitiated) and the other is some gray from a sheep on the Notlwonk Springs that I dyed with Kool-Aid.

I didn't want to post too many photos, so this will suffice for now. Look out for photos with Saori and my newest FO: a pair of lace knitted summer socks (I love them!).

Happy Labor Day!

ad campaign and Stinky politicians/pharm companies

2007-08-31T22:31:00.000-06:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/08/30/AR2007083002198.html?referrer%3Demailarticle&sub=new

'nuff said

The doldrums...and birthdays!

2007-08-28T14:26:00.000-06:00

Do you remember that movie? (I know, all of you purists will start ranting..."it's a book! It's a book") It was an old cartoon rendition of the Phantom Tollbooth. There was a song about the doldrums and how they just kind of slid around. That's what I feel like today: Kind of sulky that it's time to gear down for school, and really just wanting to *be*.

It's been to long since I lost wrote and I need to make a new goal not to write so much in each post. If I wrote more often I wouldn't have this problem. :-) Although, I have also given up with photos for now. Our computer is too full and won't load my photos right. In fact, I can't have more than two programs open at once, or it will give me a full disk error. It's such a pian, but one that hopefully will "shortly be remedied."

My baby is two today. We had a party for Buggy on Saturday where she choked on some watermelon. I mean really choked. It wasn't totally covering her airway all of the time, but she wasn't getting adequate air for several minutes. She turned blue once at the beginning, but she just couldn't cough hard enough to get it out. I started to get really nervous and HeaterBoy held her upside down and did everything you *can* do for someone who is choking and still getting some air through until I finally convinced him to let me call 911. Of coure, as soon as I had someone on the phone, she finally coughed it out-after a few well-placed fingersweeps by dad. After the excitment, she stayed really still in my arms for a while until she tried to get more watermelon.

I can't believe Buggy is doing so well. The day she was born was such a miraculous and spiritual day for me. It was such a peaceful Sunday morning. It went exactly as I had envisioned, with my small but very effective supporting team, and my amazing husband there to hold my hand as I experienced something so new and scary and wonderful and exciting and empowering and did I say scary? I had worked so hard that pregnancy to find trust in my body and my baby. I worked to reconnect with my spirit and make a safe place for my baby to be. I don't know if I'll ever forget how empowering and wonderful that day was. It has helped me to better mother. There is a quote that someone on one of my lists has in her siggy and it says "There is a secret in our society and it's not that childbirth is dangerous, it's that women are strong." I don't remember who said the quote, but I think about it every time I see it.

Buggy helped me to be a strong woman. She helped me to see that strength isn't originated in ourselves but in our God. We are strong. Mothers are given so many gifts just by virtue of motherhood and womanhood that it constantly amazes me. I am so grateful for Buggy and all that she has taught me. Also, the things that I have learned from God because I am blessed enough to take care of her.

I didn't want to write a ton about her "accident" as that anniversary isn't for five more weeks, but I do want to mention that after that happened, and she survived it, that we were left wondering how much longer she would be with us. Whether it would be months or years, nobody could tell us. The last two years have been such a lesson for all of us in patience, compassion, trust, faith and love that we could never have foreseen. Every day is a special gift and I don't know if I'll ever be non-neurotic enough to stop watching for her breathing, but I'm grateful for the time we have.

The five weeks I had with Buggy before her accident are so precious to me. She was so neurologically mature that she was truly smiling within one or two weeks. She spent so much time in awake, alert stage that I was amazed. She just wanted to take in the whole world. She loved getting to know her siblings. She allowed me to dress her up and tolerated it all. she had some colic at night, but we figure that they were headaches and not tummyaches. Even with the headaches, she was so easily consoled. I would just throw her in the sling and walk up and down 800 East. She nursed like a champ (my first easy nursing experience) and she even made tandem nursing not so ferocious.

I miss that girl. Although, she was so precocious, would she have been telling me about the spirit world before she forgot? :-) I grieve the future that every parent wants for their child. I also celebrate what she is able to do in *this* body at this time. I am realizing that dichotomy in emotions is possible. It's what makes us human. Buggy was supposed to come to us. She was supposed to be like she is. Who knows what that means for the future? I know my family can be eternal and I'm going to try as hard as I can to keep it that way. Earth life can be so temporary.

2007-08-18T11:58:00.000-06:00

Aack! I'm, trying to upload my photos and it's just not working. I turnd in my knitting and got...

BLUE RIBBONS!

Nevermind that most of the contestants in Cache Valley get blue ribbons. It still felt good and I think I made about $6. I'm not sure, I haven't picked up my prize money yet. That's better than a kick in the pants. Especially considerng I spent about $40 at the fair that weekend. ;-) Wouldn't it be nice to make back what I spend? Maybe I'll knit and spin like crazy this year and attempt the feat.

We also sent Saori off this morning. This is part of my lack of posting this last two weeks. We have been going liek mad dogs, trying to get everything in. We still didn't make it to some places like the Great Salt Lake (I know, it's gross, but you have to go at least once while you're in Utah), Golden Spike, Hot Springs, Aquatic Center. But we made it to most of Belen's appointments and got some of her shoppig done, so it's good. Rapunzel was so very sad to see Saori leave, she refused to giver her a hug goodbye for quite some time. Buggy slept through most of the final picture taking. We (the grown-ups) were up until after 2:00 last night just talking, so I set two alarms to wake up and I *still* missed both of them. We were going to get her some salsa that she liekd at Lee's early, but it just didn't happen.

We were so glad that Saori came to stay with us and we hope that we can see her again someday. Maybe I'll send my sister to find her while she's gallivanting around with my parents next month. :-) She has becmome a new part of our family and we are all so grateful to have had the opportunity to have met her.

Once I can figure out my computer glitches (grrr), I'll post some pics of all of us at Aggie Ice Cream. And my blue ribbon stuff :-)

The beginning of the End

2007-08-03T10:56:00.000-06:00

of Summer, that is. I can see things start to wind down. My nephew already started kindergarten last week. We went school shopping already for cool things like pencils and sharpeners and of course, the new color pack of Sharpies.

We are really excited to be hosting an exchange chaperone from Japan on Sunday. We will have her with us for two weeks. We don't have kids old enough to host a teenage in the program, so it will be one of the chaperones, which is great because she has kids the same age as ours. She'll be without them, but it should be lots of fun. The kids and I have been thinking of fun (preferably free) places to take her. Any suggestions? She may have been to SLC already, so I'm thinking more local. We're already reading a bunch about Japan to get ready and Frodo is having fun reading about the Samurais.

Finished Harry Potter. Kind of sad, it's an era for me. HeaterBoy had tons to say concerning her editing, or lack thereof, but she's a good storyteller.

We went to SLC twice this week for appointments with Buggy. A barium upper GI study showed that her stomach is fully 1/3 above her diaphragm. That could cause problems, but it's not right now. Her Nissen is still holding and that is good news. It's held for 22 months now and so it will probably be okay. Shes' eating tons by mouth this week, so I'm hopeful that it will continue. It's so much better to digest your food with the enzymes that are included in your saliva. It's made a difference in her rashes.

Our tomatoes are getting ready to redden up and I picked our first zucchini this week! It was so exciting. HeaterBoy was commissioned to make some ice cream for a party, and he might actually make money doing it. The Gardner's Market has been fun for us.

I have been working on a pair of socks, but I refuse to take a pictuere until they are complete. I will be taking some pics of some other things. A friend and I are going to enter some stuff in the couty Fair. I've never done it before, but I think it will be fun. I'm going to put in Buggy's Flirty Skirty and one of her longies. I spun the yarn for both. when I get them ready I will post here too.

Oh, For goodness sake...

2007-07-19T22:30:00.000-06:00

I was just making a comment on a friends blog (Good Luck JP!) and I realized it's been a while since I updated. Here I am trying to upload some pics. I've been trying to post a bio pic and it just keeps freezing up. I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'll try uploading photos to my post this time.

I just have to say, that I'm sorry that karatemommy had a rough time, but I'm glad she's back. It means I have friends at home. And Doreen is coming home early next week! I'm so excited. It's been so lonely to be out of the Villa and my best friends gone. My kids aren't even tan!

As a tangent to explain...All summer long, in the Villa, my kids were outside playing with their friends. They got *really* tan in the summer and I did too. Last weekend we went to Bear Lake and they weren't even as dark as my sister's kids! I was shocked. Mine are usually darker, but my sis just moved into a neighborhood where the kids run from yard to yard on their cul-de-sac and mine now live on a street with college students living on all sides of us. It's too hot to be outside unless there is real motivation and playing with siblings just isn't it.

So..to something totally different, a couple of weeks ago, B was being tested by her Speech Pthologists for her regualr eval and they asked her to identify one of four pictures on a page. They were objects that she knows the signs for and has repeated them back to me numerous times. She wouldn't do it. We waited for a long time and she just wouldn't do it. I chalked it up to age-appropriate beligerence and didn't worry. But her vision therapist has asked me to start working with her on some abstract shapes so that she can identify them and then we can test her acuity. Once again, she has never done it for me. Meanwhile, back at the ranch of the CommD feeding clinic, another speech path gave her a "voice box" which talks for her after she pushes a button. It has pictures of objects she likes and she pushes them when she wants what it shows on the pictures (for example, a button has a pic of some crackers and it says, "I want a snack." She has a couple of "favorites" (see previous example) and she won't touch the other buttons.

When the vision therapist came back to test my progress at getting B to obey, I started putting everything together and asked her if that could all be connectd. She was very convinced that it was and that B proobably has a vision processing problem and possibly (I think probably) a language processing problem as well. We won't know the extent of it or what exactly it affects for years. I asked pne of her speech teachers today if we were dealing with it appropriately, and she said that the only way processing problems are treated is by repetition, but it almost certainly would improve with what we are doing. Oh fun, I can't wait to see how this manifests as she gets older. How do we tell people who spend large amounts of time with her (primary teachers, for example) in a way that they can understand? I don't even think I can understand it to my own satisfaction. I guess we just keep doing what we are doing.

So this first pic if my beautiful B in june. The second one is the birthday one that I promised to post. It's me in my "birthyda outfit" from omi and the cute purse/knitting bag that she got for me. (of course, my appendage, aka Rapunzel, is with me).

Enjoy!

Good Reads!

2007-06-29T22:41:00.000-06:00

I just finished a book from one of my all-time favorite authors. I admit, I like romances, and I love old Gothic ones, but right now, I adore Juliet Marillier. I fell in love with her Sevenwaters Trilogy and she has newer series out called The Bridei Chronicles. I just read the first book, The Dark Mirror. They are yummy books to curl up with. Lots of subtext and complex characters.

Anyway, I spent all of my birthday money at knitpicks. I've never bought anything from them in loyalty to my LYS, but I thought I'd better try them just once. I'll have to send a pic when it gets here. 12 balls of yarn! I'm so excited I could almost wet myself. I've started a new pair of socks and I love how the lace is shaping up. I've finally finished the longies that I spun up and started for Belen last November (why did I think that I would finish them last winter?) well...kind of. I still need to graft and weave, but who counts that, right?

Jared is going to be selling homemade ice cream at the Gardener's Market tomorrow. That is, if they let him, he hasn't technically been approved by the market powers-that-be. I tasted some of the respberry ice cream that he'll be making and I'm sure that it will run out before the market is over. He's only planning to make three batched so you'd better come quick! He's taking Zeke with him in the car and I'll follow on the LTD with the girls. He's running around the house madly right now, gathering everything and making sure everything is ready.

Birthdays are...

2007-06-24T18:21:00.000-06:00

yeah, it was my birthday yesterday. I'm 29. I look at that number and I feel a lot older than that. Other times, I feel so much younger. I don't want to minimize any one else's experiences, I just feel like I've had my fair share for a while. I usually reflect a little on my birthday, and make some goals, but I'm not really in a place to do that right now.

Anyway, Yesterday was GREAT! I went to the Temple with a dear friend in my playgroup. H was baptized a year ago and has been chomping at the bit to go to the temple. At 9:00 am we were all seated in the Logan Temple and about 1/3 to 1/2 of the people in the endowment room were people there to support her. Someday I'd like to know I've had that much influence. Micheal Ballam was there for her! After that, I had to mow the lawn (Ick!) so I also had to take some benadryl....

Then we went to my parents house and they took us to Famous Dave's. It's a restaurant that I really like. The kids all ate their food and then omi and opi took the kids while we traipsed around Layton for an hour and a half. I realized that while I enjoy window shopping, I don't really like "real" shopping for myself. All sorts of guilt and frustration for not finding exactly the right thing. Ah well, if I don't find the right shoes, I can always find some yarn to spend my birthday money on, right?

My mom got me this cute purse and an outfit, along with some spending money and Jared took me to look for a table for my basin and pitcher! I haven't been able to find just the right one, but it will come.

All in all, it was a pretty nice birthday. Oh yeah! My bil and sil said they would take the kids for a night for us as a gift as well. I'm so excited! I took a coupe photos, so I'll post those as soon as I find the camera...

Joining the rest of the Universe...

2007-06-14T14:54:00.000-06:00

Okay, Okay, I've done it. I'm now a blogger. I won't have a witty blog like Yarn Harlot (I'll make that a witty link when I figure out how...) and it may not be very funny, but I'll try to be genuine. This won't be a strictly knitting/spinning blog or a music blog or even a mommy blog as I don't do enough of one thing to make that even remotely interesting. I may be on a soapbox or two occasionally, but I'll try not to do that often.

so...I told the kidlets that I was going to have a blog and they could even post if they wanted to, the only rule was they couldn't use their real names :-)

That got them so excited!

They realized the world of fake names was open to them and they started thinking in earnest for the perfect name to be on the blog...

Son #1: I want to be Ammon, that's a good name...and then he thought of all the superheroes he could be. He came up with Frodo all though he may change that as we go along. :-)

Daughter #1: I want a queen name, can I have a queen name? Not a kid name, mom, it has to be a grown-up name! We came up with Queen Rapunzel although she is both a kid (according to her) and a princess, but it seemed to be exciting enough, that she acquiesced. (She loves Rapunzel right now)

Daughter #3: She's taking a nap right now, so we get to choose for her. I think we'll call her Little Buggy because that's what we call her anyway...

DH will be HeaterBoy and I won't explain that one because that may just be TMI. :-)

Now that we've got that all set up...

I have to vent about this week's happenings, Buggy got a respiratory infection that Rapunzel brought home (isn't it nice when kids share everything?) and I was afraid it was getting worse. Tuesday night's SATs were terrible and we had to turn up her oxygen to 5 whole liters! After a fiasco with the dr's I finally called my midwife and she was so kind and gentle. She's also amazingly intuitive. Every once in a while, I question her and wonder how she can be so spot on, but Dh and I agreed to try her course of herbs for 24 hours before we started the antibiotics (nobody really believed it was bacterial at this point, but they didn't want it to get there).

Can I just tell you how much I love my midwife? Overnight, Buggy's oxygen needs got steadily lower until this morning she was on no supplemetal oxygen. She woke up chipper and the mucous doesn't seem to be out of control. She even ate breakfast this morning. I know that there are many doctors who feel it is their "calling" to heal people and that is why they choose their profession. My midwife feels the same way. I know they are both right, I just know that for me, I'll use pharmaceuticals sparingly and use the plants that God gave us for healing as much as I can.

Yesterday I had a small breakdown and the kids were there to witness every bit of it...I was so ashamed. But because of that, they started talking about their own fears surrounding Buggy's frequent hospital visits to the Children's Hospital in Salt Lake. It was tender as they revealed how afraid they were of losing Buggy and me. That one kind of blindsided me, but it was definitely one of those eternal teaching moments and I know that they feed me spiritually as much as I feed them.

So that's my first post...